INSPIRED

A Letter to Remember (by Zuhaini Ismail-my lil sister)

2011-04-14T05:05:00.002+08:00

My sister wrote a note for me, words can describe how much I love her... Here, I would like to share it with my readers...

Sometimes when life gets harder and harder everyday, we tend to curse and give up on life..

I want to tell a story about two awesome lady in my life which 'giving up' is not in their book..

The first lady is Asiah Abd Rahman.. 'GARANG', strict, lovable, TOUGH, bold and the most awesome person ever!

Mama, you are a gem of a lady.. She raised my sister and I alone..didn't need any help from anyone.. Its true.. I can still remember we used to live in a small room just 3 of us.. She will go to work and my sister will be the mom for the day..

Its amazing how sometimes I can easily forget the hardships that mama has to go through in raising me and yes she's still taking care of me now!

I used to yelled back at her, argue about how wrong her actions were towards me, made her cry alone at night thinking bout her little girl..

Dear Mama,

I'm sorry mama..never knew how hard it can be being a single parent..I know I've made mistakes here and there..I swear I'm learning from it now.. I'm sorry i made you cry, worried sick about me.. Thank you for standing by me all the time, I learn it the hard way but thank you for showing me the light and guiding me all the way.. Thank you for supporting me and all of my decisions..Thank you for giving me a home, thank you for providing me all that I need.. Thank you for NOT GIVING UP ON ME, thank you everything.. i can never thank you enough mama..

Whatever 'they' said about you, let them be.. They are crazy and there's no room for them to change or even to grow up..You are the greatest and I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

The second lady is my beloved Kak Long Khairani Ismail

We love to argue.. She will always let me win.. how nice.. ;P

Anyhoo, she was my guardian angel.. My secrets?? She knows it all!

When mama had to go to work, kak long will put on a costume and

'tadaaaa' she's MAMA.. Owh how I miss being your little sister kak long.. Kak long was always there, she took care of everything, from the cooking, laundry, feeding me and she even taught me how to ride a bicycle! haha.. I can still remember falling down those stairs riding the bike.. She always stand up for me.. If I did something wrong, she will always take the blame..At night she hugged me and said

'Adik, whatever happens we must stick together..I promise everything will be alright..'

Now shes , married with 2 kids.. Shes an awesome mommy!

Dear Kak Long,

I miss you, I really really do.. I cannot wait for you to come here with my cute nephew and niece..

Thank you so much for being my guardian angel.. You do not know how much I need you in my life..

I still wanna be your little sister..pretty pleaseeeeeee... Owh ya I know I love to argue with you back then.. Its because I didn't understand much about what you have gone through all these while.. Thank you for everything and 'Adik sayang Kak Long.. Banyakkkk sangatttt!!!'

Play Geisha to my Husband

2010-12-11T02:12:00.004+08:00

Everyday, my husband takes off his white uniforms n leaves them hanging on the wall hook. I pick them up without complaining and throw them in the washing, along with the dirty clothes that he has discarded on the bedroom floor. Sometimes, after dinner, I bring him a glass of drinks while he vegetates in front of the TV.

To me, they are simple acts of love. I know he's really tired and grumpy at the end of a long work day, and my pottering about helps both of us to unwind. He doesn't reciprocate immediately, but I know that he'll always top up my cash for me and give me a massage when I have a body ache.

But some of my more independent-minded galpals raise their eyebrows when they hear what I do for him. Most just tease me bout how much of a slave I am to him, but some of them are actually indignant that I'm lowering myself to such a level. "Can't he do it for himself?" one gasps. "It's so demeaning - you're spoiling him!" Another tells me, "You gives a wives a bad name."

They think I'm letting the side down if I cook breakfast for him everyday, or occasionally pack his clothes for vacations or out-station works. I should have more self-respect, they say, and if I'm working in the future, I may contribute 50-50 towards the household bills, I shouldn't stoop to doing such meanial tasks.

I can understand where they're coming from. For decades, women have had to fight for everything. We fought to get a vote, we fought to go to work, we fought to get that corner office and we fought for women rights etc...

And our traditional enemy has always been the opposite sex. They're the ones who told us to stay at home, look after the kids and not to bother our pretty heads over complicated things like hedge funds and contra deals.

Woman had to steel themselves to tell their husbands things like, " I'm going to work - you look after the kids'" and "If you're hungry, go microwave something." So now that we've finally achieved what generations of women before us had been fighting for all these years, isn't it a slap in the face to them if a soon to be working woman like me regresses into the traditional wife role now?

Well, yes and no. The difference i that I now have a choice - the women of my great-grandmother's generation didn't. They did whatever their husbands commanded them to do. I, however, pamper my husband of my own free will. He doesn't order me to pick up after him or cook him breakfast. I do it to make his life more comfortable and I'm not above sulking when I feel taken for granted (sometimes i do, but not over the top sulking) hihihi...

In fact, I see spoiling my man as empowering. As the traditional wife, I'm reclaiming some of the softness we lost when we snarled and clawed our way to the top. Like the women in 'Memoirs of the Geisha' have shown, you can catch more bees with honey than with vinegar. Besides, after along day of being a tough as nails working women (soon to be), slipping into old-fashioned wifey mode can feel like putting on a comfortable robe.

I'm not saying it works for everyone. Some women can actually find it stressful having to pander to their husband's needs (I do feel that way kadang2) and more comfortable being the one on the daybed while their guys bring them that glass of water. Their husbands feels that treating their women as princesses is as an act of love, and they would be insulted if their wives refused to accept it graciously.

Besides, housework is only one aspect of a marriage. The woman who's happy to let her husband serve her may also be the one who takes care of all the bills and paperwork and wakes up at 2am to feed the baby. If that's what keeps their marriage solid, who's to say otherwise?

Different couple have different ways of saying "I LOVE YOU" to each other. So please stop making fun of me if I want to play my husband's geisha. After all, I don't say anything about that whip you keep in the kitchen, do I?

A Woman on My Mind

2010-12-07T00:12:00.002+08:00

When I was young, I look alike my mom. I was every bit my mother's daughter. You see, this particular type of ownership doesn't lie in outward appearances or is sanctified by a piece of paper. It's in, and from, the heart. Unspoken words, loving hugs and an intuitive relationship told me in more ways than one that my mother was mine and I, hers.

I count myself lucky to have been blessed with an angel who has seen me through many falls and guided me towards many triumphs. But there were lot of sacrifice on her part. Mama has always been the epitome of strength and love in my life. So it came as no surprise that when I embraced motherhood some 3 years ago, I, too, readily signed on for this lifelong commitment - and the most important assignment of my life.

Despite the trials (like when a child hits a high fever), the romantic notions about motherhood have never worn thin. I'm fortunate to have a role model who taught me about the selfless giving mothers are always best noted for. It's this same selflessness that the single mothers in our midst implore. According to writer Jill Churchill, "There's no way to be a perfect mother-but million ways to be a good one".

Single mothers like my mama demonstrate their faithfulness and commitment, day in and day out, on their own. they willingly submit to the prices reward of knowing that the little blessings that come their way - like cherubic smiles and butterfly kisses - are well worth it. They aren't waiting and praying for men who think they should be rewarded jst because they marry a single mother.

The opportunity to influence a child is the most demanding, most heart-rending... and most rewarding job a woman may ever have in her lifetime. Motherhood isn't for the faint-hearted, it is very much an endurance test. even if the thanks she receives are few and far between, it doesn't diminish the importance of what she does. As a mom to Rayhan and Iman, I've made a lot of mistakes too. Though the thank you's haven't flooded in, but I'll settle any time for those quirky grins and sloppy kisses along with the claim of "My Mummy" from my kids.

And as for my mama, after all these years, rather than resist her maternal concerns, I take pleasure in having another chance to hear her voice and call myself her daughter. May the legacy I pass on my children be just as wondrously magical!

I Heart Allah

2010-11-04T12:58:00.001+08:00

I'm grateful,thankful god created the word syukur,alhamdulillah,insyallah & amin.

Cause in my heart those words shall stay forever & give me the best comfort. And
those words are the words we all should use to appreciate Allah the
almighty.

I heart u,Allah...

Air Mata Wanita

2010-09-08T05:25:00.002+08:00

Dear Hubby...

Suatu ketika, ada seorang anak lelaki yang bertanya kepada ibunya. “Ibu,mengapa ibu menangis ?”. Ibunya menjawab, “Sebab aku wanita.” Saya tidak mengerti,” kata si anak lagi. Ibunya hanya tersenyum dan memeluknya erat. “Nak, kamu memang tidak akan mengerti……”

Kemudian, anak itu bertanya kepada ayahnya. “Ayah,mengapa ibu menangis ?”

Sang ayah menjawab, “Semua wanita memang menangis tanpa ada alasan.”

Hanya itu jawapan yang dapat diberikan oleh ayahnya. Lama kemudian, si anak itu menjadi remaja dan tetap bertanya-tanya, mengapa wanita menangis. Pada suatu malam, ia bermimpi dan mendapat petunjuk daripada Allah mengapa wanita mudah sekali menangis.

Saat Allah menciptakan wanita, Dia membuat wanita menjadi sangat penting. Allah ciptakan bahunya,agar mampu menahan seluruh beban dunia dan isinya. Walaupun, bahu itu cukup nyaman dan lembut untuk menahan kepala bayi yang sedang tidur.

Allah berikan wanita kekuatan untuk melahirkan zuriat dari rahimnya. Dan sering kali pula menerima cerca daripada anaknya sendiri……Allah berikan ketabahan yang membuatnya tetap bertahan, pantang menyerah di saat semua orang berputus asa.

Wanita, Allah berikan kesabaran, untuk merawat keluarganya walau letih,sakit, lelah dan tanpa berkeluh-kesah. Allah berikan wanita, perasaan peka dan kasih sayang untuk mencintai semua anaknya, dalam situasi apa pun. Biarpun anak-anaknya kerap melukai perasaan dan hatinya.

Perasaan ini memberikan kehangatan kepada anak-anaknya yang ingin tidur. Sentuhan lembutnya memberi keselesaan dan ketenangan. Dia berikan wanita kekuatan untuk membimbing suaminya, melalui masa kegentiran dan menjadi pelindung baginya. Bukankah tulang rusuk suami yang melindungi setiap hati dan jantung wanita ?

Allah kurniakan kepadanya kebijaksanaan untuk membolehkan wanita menilai tentang peranan kepada suaminya. Seringkali pula kebijaksanaan itu menguji kesetiaan yang diberikan kepada suami agar tetap saling melengkapi dan menyayangi.

Dan akhirnya, Allah berikannya airmata agar dapat mencurahkan perasaannya…
Inilah yang khusus Allah berikan kepada wanita, agar dapat digunakan di mana ia inginkan.
Hanya inilah kelemahan yang dimiliki wanita, walaupun sebenarnya, airmata!

” Inilah airmata kehidupan. Kerana airmata jua yang akan mengajar erti jatuh dan bangun dalam sesebuah kehidupan..."

Syoknya Kahwin!!!

2010-08-28T14:48:00.002+08:00

Upon reading a comment from Si Yoyop in my previous entry, it inspired me to write about marriage. However, I baru setahun jagung berkahwin tapi this entry is based on yours truly personal view, dan pengalaman orang lain. Mungkin Si Yoyop boleh memahami cerita ini because as a woman, I truly understand how she feels when everybody asking “Yop,bila nak kahwin?”, bukannya dia tak nak kahwin tapi belum ada jodoh.

“Anne, if I know kahwin tu best, dah lama I kahwin…” Best sebab makan tidur berteman, berjalan tidak sendirian lagi, bercerita pada orang yang boleh dipercayai, sakit ada melayani dan seronok ada orang tumpang gembira dan menyanyi-nyanyi bersama. Begitulah jika sempurna perkahwinan, dikurniakan pula cahaya mata, maka lengkaplah hidup ini.
Let’s talk about marriage dan menyelami kisah-kisah disebalik satu perkataan ini KAHWIN!

Nurul* (nama telah diubah), I sebaya dia tapi anaknya sudah lima, lama tidak ketemu dia. Kalau tidak kerana facebook, pasti kami tidak dapat berhubung. Kami berbual tentang zaman sekolah menengah, zaman yang dia sepatutnya menggunakan masa untuk belajar, tidak bercinta. However, Nurul can’t do much, nafsu tidak boleh dilawan, berkahwinlah Nurul pada usia yang teramat muda, selepas SPM dia berkahwin dan dengan izin Allah dia bunting pelamin,menimang cahaya mata pada usia 18 tahun.
Nurul bercerita tentang kekesalannya berkahwin awal dan harapannya agar anak-anaknya belajar hingga ke menara gading. Dia berkahwin awal kerana terdedah dengan segala macam dugaan. Akhirnya dipaksa berkahwin pada usia yang teramat muda.

That all about Nurul, kata hati, kalau I juga kahwin umur 17 tahun, eh seronok juga menimang cucu sebelum pencen… tetapi agaknya 10 tahun lagi pun belum tentu. I don’t want to see Rayhan kahwin at the age of 23 and Iman at 20 years old (tapi semua pun ketentuan Illahi). Sepuluh tahun lagi, I will not encourage either Rayhan or Iman to get married. Sebab utamanya, wedding preparations and planning memakan duit yang banyak apatah lagi selepas berumahtangga dan berkeluarga. Let say, orang yang bergaji besar pun merungut tidak cukup untuk belanja seharian, inikan pada pasangan yang baru bekerja, mana cukup untuk menampung segala-galanya. And one more thing, are u ready to menunaikan segala janji,harapan dan impian pada satu ikatan yang tidak sepatutnya dirungkaikan separuh jalan?

“The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal”…Frank Pittman… Bunyinya mudah tapi melaksanakannya amat sukar. Pada yang bekerjaya, bagaimana mengimbangi rumah tangga dan kerja, dan memastikan kedua-duanya dilaksanakan dengan sempurna? Gagal di tempat kerja, menjurus kepada kegagalan rumah tangga kerana apabila wang tidak mengalir dengan baik dan jaminan hari depan tidak menentu, hubungan boleh retak. There’s no couple who can live with love alone, without money, cinta terancam, harapan tenggelam. Namun, seandainya hanya kerja yang dijaga, bagaimana dengan rumahtangga? Tidak mungkin kalau isteri bekerja dan isteri jugalah yang terpaksa memikul segala-galanya… dimana keadilan? Jikalau suami sahaja yang cemerlang di tempat kerja sedangkan si isteri walau ada ijazah namun hasil kerja menyedihkan, bagaimana?

Tetapi itulah, lelaki selalunya lebih untung, dan lepas tangan kerana mereka rasa hal rumahtangga adalah kerja perempuan. Tidak perlu dibahaskan atau mendapat khidmat nasihat bagaimana mengimbangi dan adil dalam mengatur kedua-duanya. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Berkahwinlah apabila kita sudah rasa cukup dewasa. Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up, kalau masih berhati kanak-kanak, pemalas dan tak reti-reti diri tu dah besar panjang, baik lupakan niat berkahwin. Hanya dengan kematangan sahaja segala kepayahan boleh dihadapi. Banyak orang berkahwin kerana jatuh cinta. Betul ke kerana cinta atau sebab termakan janji-janji manis? Tidak mungkin ada yang sanggup berkahwin dengan penagih dadah kalau bukan kerana janjinya tidak akan menyentuh benda haram itu lagi. Tidak mungkin kamu boleh jatuh cinta dengan penganggur kalau bukan kerana janjinya untuk memastikan ada kerja dan berjanji mengadakan wang ringgit selepas berkahwin. Dan tidak akan sanggup si jelita bercinta dengan si tua Bangka kalau bukan kerana janji-janjinya
memberikan kemewahan dan segala hajat besar ditunaikan… semua kerana janji dan percaya janji itu pasti ditepati. Tetapi itu yang kamu katakana cinta bukan?

Kata Nurul, “Masakan I tahu about love when I was 16 tapi because of his promises akan beri saya kesenagan, tempat tinggal dan tidak perlu susah-susah belajar, katanya dia mampu tanggung I, jadi buat apa nak belajar lagi? Persetankan pesan mak ayah yang hendak anak mereka pegang ijazah sebab apapun perempuan tempatnyadi dapur” Begitulah yang Nurul fikirkan masa itu, dan lebih tepat “Eh! Aku kalau gagal periksa mesti kena tolong emak jual kuih…sorrylah…baik kahwin sementara ada yang dah janji hendak dengan kita”

Talking about promise, here words of wisdom from Thornton Wilder , “I didn’t marry you because you were perfect. I didn’t even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them, and it wasn’t our love that protected them – it was that promise.”

Dan, sesungguhnya berkahwin itu sebaiknya amalan bagi yang sudah mampu melaksanakannya, love is blind but marriage restores its sight… Besar rahmatnya. Allah made a promise, solat orang yang berkahwin diberikan kelebihan pahala 1000 kali ganda. Fikir-fikirkan…

hati terbakar!!!!

2010-08-21T15:12:00.002+08:00

dear readers, sorry for the hiatus...

i'm mentally and physically drained, my mcDreamy Rayhan is undergoing treatment for dengue. plus my little Diva Iman kena flu. sangat penat!!! iman lak clingy jer,gerammmmm!!!! i letak dia nangis, bg tidur pun x nak, berpuluh kali angkat n letak setiap hari... arghhhhh!!!!

sekarang hati terbakar!!!!!!!!!

i'm a housewife,penat jaga anak2, do chores, taking care of hubby needs etc... tp pada satu hari pada bulan ramadhan ini, hubby buat saya marah sampai nak cry out loud! perkara itu kecil je,tp hati kecil ini tetap terasa sedih.

begini ceritanya.... i penat menjaga anak sakit,buat kerja rumah sambil dukung iman dlm babysling (bayangkan), kelam kabut nak cook 4 breakfasting. tangan bergerak dah macam octopus,buat banyak kerja dalam satu masa.

bila tiba waktu berbuka,hubby pun makan (i x makan sebab dodoikan iman yang merengek,tp badan dah bergegar kelaparan,walaupun i x puasa sebab period,i x makan sebab x sempat nak menjamah makanan, ditambah pulak dengan breastfeeding lg). pastu dia boleh complain the fish that i fried was too dry (goreng too dry,he complain... goreng medium rare pun complain....) gerammm!!!!

pastu entah kenapa lately dia tak banyak tolong i jaga kids n buat chores (sebab puasa kot). i penat sangat okeh! i bukan duduk rumah tidur tau! a wife can go to work and at the same time kena juggle and manage the children, household chores etc... but i dont think a husband can do the same! (well,mungkin ada tp x ramai yg begitu)

hati terbakar!!!!!

i bukan sengaja nak buka aib suami tp harap suami2 di luar sana agar jadi prihatin sikit!

A Meaningful Song....

2010-07-28T05:32:00.003+08:00

Lagu ini sungguh sesuatu.... I heard this song yesterday, ANAK, sing by Freddy Aguilar.

Semasa engkau dilahirkan
Kau pun sudah satu impian
Impian nyata kurnia Illahi

Engkau anak istimewa
Kebahagian ibu ayah
Bila menangis dan juga tertawa

Hai anak kau tak mengerti
Betapa mulia pengorbanan mereka
Memberikan kasih-sayang
Agar dapat menikmati dunia

Masa silih berganti
Kau membesar tak dikenali
Cepat sungguh kau pandai bicara

Apa yang telah terjadi
Pada mereka kau derhaka
Mengapa begitu apakah salahnya

Hai anak kau tak mengerti
Betapa mulia pengorbanan mereka
Memberikan kasih-sayang
Agar dapat menikmati dunia

Kini kau telah tersesat
Hilang diri dan pedoman
Tak seorang pun mengambil peduli

Dan kini engkau menangis
Ibu ayah menghampiri
Walau engkau telah terpesong jauh

Hai anak kau tak mengerti
Betapa mulia pengorbanan mereka
Memberikan kasih-sayang
Agar dapat menikmati dunia

Dear Muhammad Rayhan & Iman Khadeeja...

As time goes by, both of you will receive best advices from your daddy and I. Remember that we are the first man & woman in your lives, and inevitably leaves our mark on you. One day, both of you will wonder, where would you be without our pearls of wisdom? I hope, in the future, my children will never take our advices for granted. When I was younger, I used to dismiss my mother’s advice (and she had plenty of it!) as ‘lectures’ to be tolerated and then dismissed. As I grew older and more so after becoming a parent, finally I understood what she had meant. I wish she is around all the time so that I could put my arms around her and listen to her peerless wisdom. I would have love to hear her advice on how to bring up her grandchildren.

Here, I reveal some of your grandma’s best advice...

Your grandma advised me to be optimistic, to be the best in everything I do. She used to tell me, “Go all out. Be the best and enjoy life!” She is a true ‘bon vivant’ who has lived live to the full. And yet, she has fulfilled her duty as a wife, mother, sister, grandmother admirably. She taught me respect, humility, appreciation for life and love for family.

Your grandma used to tell me that whenever I have a decision to make, I should follow my conscience. You will know within yourself whether you are doing the right thing. Your heart will tell you, she used to say. I have lived by this maxim and it has served me well.

Another best advice to me was simple but very meaningful. Be caring human beings and always look at life in a positive light. I have tried my best to live by this principle.

My mum went through a lot of hardship to raise Aunty Zuzu, Maksu Didie and I. I have tried to live my life as per my mum’s advice. Grandma remains the patriarch in the family who is still a strong influence in my life. Her legacy lives through our actions.

My wish for my children is that they are blessed with happiness and will enjoy harmonious, healthy lives. As both of you grow older, daddy and I will guide and answer every question that pop on your mind. We’ll try our best, promise! Rayhan and Iman are a blessing from Allah, we love you to bits!

Ya Rabbi... Sakitnya!!!!

2010-07-11T15:31:00.001+08:00

Surprisingly, only a few dozen people have written to chastise me about the state of my masthead, most of them quick to say hey you, blogger who blogs on her Internet blog, don't you know what month it is? Let's just for a moment consider that I haven't once had more than two consecutive hours of sleep in the last three weeks. Dude, I have no idea what year it is. I'm lucky to remember my name most days. Again, I'm sorry for not updating my blog...

Things got even more complicated around here at about 4AM Saturday morning when I woke up to breastfeed Iman Khadeeja (my newborn) and my left breast felt like someone had sliced it open and shoved in a handful of broken glass. I thought I'd try to ignore it, and oh, moan in silence? Bite my lip until I was drowning in a puddle of blood? What was I thinking, YOU CANNOT IGNORE THAT KIND OF PAIN. I think I'm dying." hahaha drama queen habis,over plak...

Milk ducts,blocked n painfull as hell! and only Iman can unplug the blocked ducts. Dulu masa breastfeed Rayhan pun sakit mcm ni... haih... Luckily,i dont have mastitis. If you want to know more about this condition,it's basically inflammation and infection of the breast tissue that can be caused by a clogged milk duct or bacteria that has somehow made its way in through the nipple. Sounds fun ha? walaupun i didn't suffer mastitis, this common milk ducts,it's been nothing but giggles, balloons, and pony rides over here.

sorry....

2010-07-11T14:46:00.002+08:00

dear readers...

i'm sorry for not updating my blog. yours truly ni in confinement period. yes,the bun has popped out from the oven! it's a girl,she was born at 35weeks. plus i don't have an internet line at the moment semenjak pindah umah baru ni.nasib la siyoyop bg pinjam her broadband seminggu sekali.

i memang jarang menulis blog,kadang-kadang terfikir gak takkan semua benda nak tulis, i need to find a story that is worth to write. ok, i will try to blog selalu ok.

love u all...

Eyes Wide Open

2010-05-04T18:38:00.002+08:00

When women juggle their families, jobs, social obligations and personal interest, something’s got to give. It’s usually some much needed sleep. I may not have much sleep on weekdays and such look forward to the weekend to play catch up. Can this make up to the lost hours of sleep?

Absolutely not! Says Dr. Mehmet Oz, Oprah Winfrey’s favorite go-to doctor on health issues. His definition of chronic sleep deprivation is getting less than 6 hours of sleep a night.

When I first had my son, it seemed almost impossible to get an uninterrupted sleep. I knew I had to be better organized and that I had to find a solution to juggle chores and family. I try to find times to rest and take naps during the day. When I took better care of myself, I could take better care of my child. It made me a better mother. I still don’t get the necessary eight hours every single nights, but I am sleeping a lot more these days.

I certainly does not want to return to the early days of motherhood when I went for several days without sleep. Not sleeping well for several days made me feel barely alive. I couldn’t concentrate and I could only do routine work, which requires little or no thinking. I often get emotional breakdowns at that point and felt incredibly helpless.

I fantasises about a solution to my problem : A move to France. Apparently in France the government pays nannies to make house calls to new mothers. Nanny services include cleaning and cooking. Now that’s your tax dollars doing fruitful work! Masalahnye, we x mampu to move to France! Aiyooooo…

Punggung besar (BIG bottom -The Wrong Trousers)

2010-05-03T22:31:00.002+08:00

Dear,friend* (name will not be publish). I’ve got something to tell you. And you might not like it. I don’t have to tell all of you, definitely. And probably most of you if the trends of the past few months are anything to go by.

I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell you but you look bad. Really bad. So bad that people (not me, I’M A GOOD GIRL, but lots of other people) are whispering about you behind your back. They can’t believe you let yourself go out like that. They’re not being mean, but they can’t tell you that you look awful so they asked me to write about it, hoping that you get the hint.

The thing is… well (this is hard)… it’s, err… kind of, your trousers. Those ones you always wear when you go out. The ones you just love. There’s a problem with those trousers. You say that they are really nice and comfortable. Well, for us they have the exact reverse effect. For us, when you wear them, we feel really uncomfortable. Sorry ye tapi punggung (bottom) U nampak besar. I feel malu to say this, but our friends think that I la orang terbaik untuk tegur U.

The problem with these slacks – even if you don’t have a pair yourself, you’ll know someone who does or at the very least have seen hundreds of people round here who have a pair like this – is (drumroll) that they are WHITE. White trousers are put simply, the biggest fashion catastrophe of our times. Yes, even more than 80s big hair, polyester, sandals with socks and visible panty line. And yet, it seems KL is being over-run with ladies wearing white on their legs.

My first problem with white trousers is the fact that at no point will your bottom (punggung) ever look acceptable. If you have a small bottom (lucky b*tch!) it will disappear. And where’s the fun in that? Alternatively, if you even have a medium sized bum then you wander around looking like a full scale model of the back of a Honda CRV or a HUMMER, in other words it looks huge. And let’s not even go into what they do for a more rounded derriere.

This is the rule I personally like to follow. Wide, skinny, Capri of shorts, this are the white pant sorts. Just remember they never flatter, they just make your bum look fatter! However, that’s your issue. I’m not so shallow as to worry if my friend’s bum looks a little, err, peachy (?) like mine… hehehe… We’re not even that embarrassed when we’re walking around and you have dust and dirt smeared all over your thighs from sitting and resting throughout the day.

When you’re in jeans, you don’t need to notice that the bench hasn’t been wiped properly but when you’ve got your white trousers on, a little bit of oil here and a bit of newspaper print there do spoil the effect of those crisp, clean pants. Even you must admit that. And yet, people still wear them to dark and dirty nightclubs where the UV lights make everything in the room fade into obscurity except your trousers. And their dirty marks.

The thing that makes us really uncomfortable about you wearing these trousers though is what goes under them. The very whiteness of white trousers make them a transparency hotspot. People seeing you don’t see you anymore. To be honest, they don’t see anything except your underpants. Now, for most of us, the choice between Granma pants, G-string, maxi, lycra hot pants or plain knickers is a private and intimate decision left between us and whoever does our laundry. For you, however, it is a decision that the world gets to pass opinion on.

“Ooh, she’s gone with the ‘G’ has she? I always think that’s like wearing an eye-patch held together with cheese-wire”. “Black knickers? She must be boiling under there!” “Well, she obviously thinks no one can notice her if she wears flesh coloured knickers, but they’re giving her the most awful camel toe!” and so on.

Yes, I know we’re mean but come on, love, do yourself a favour. There a some great trousers out there in a world full of colours. If Allah (God) have intended the world to see your bottom boing-ing around in your trousers, than he wouldn’t have invented chocolate or cellulite.

2009-Adapting to change in lifestyle

2010-01-04T07:35:00.004+08:00

2009 was a big year for me. I chose to don the tudung. A day before I wear tudung, I borrowed my MIL head scarf. The next day, I wear one to breakfast with my husband. The first word to pop out from my husband's mouth was 'ALHAMDULILLAH'. And my MIL said I looked nice. My first day with the head scarf atractted attention, but because of the positive responses from families and friends, I have never regreted my decision!

It was apparently not an impulsive one. I had been thinking about it for a few years. I told myself that the time would come when it would feel perfest to start using it. My lifestyle has changed very little since this transition. I still visit my hair saloon, and wear jeans and t-shirts. I wear the tudung and I treat it as a symbol of my identity.

I found it easy adapting to this life-changing transition. It's because I was ready. I am calmer now...

Part2 : Flow with the tide of time

2009-09-28T01:15:00.003+08:00

Hubby's story: Adapting to being a parent...

I asked my Hubby to recalls his first time being a parent. This is his story...

He was quite nervous as we were in Tawau and far from my home in KL. He was worried on who is going to take care of me during confinement as his mother in Tawau was busy taking care of his sister who gave birth a month before me. But it helped that my mother came all the way from KL to take care of me during my confinement period. We read up a lot on parenting and could rely on the help of relatives.

Our son was born on the same date as his daddy 4th May 2007, and that was a day before our 2nd anniversary. He admits, there were definately severals adjustments we had to make.

For one thing, we had to move to a bigger place.
Our shopping trips included several stops at baby stores.
The house had to be child-proofed and clean all the time.
ETC....ETC....ETC....ETC.... and the list goes on...

Leaving the house used to be an easy and quick affair but with the Rayhan's arrival, an extra half hour was needed, he says, to exit the house - making sure all the things the baby required took time and effort. Everything was centered around the baby. The odd hours we had to get up to feed Rayhan.

When going out, he would assess whether the places were child-friendly. During holidays, a hotel's child policy would be examined. The itinerary must include - if not dominated by - visits to kiddy places. He was upset when characters on TV started swearing. We ended up watching more Barney&Friends and singing nursery rhymes than we were growing up.

He slowly adapted to the new routines and accepted the new responsiblities. Hubby and I took all this in our stride and turned them into many unforgettable, priceless moments. Managing and handling many household chores were, and still are, divided equally which helped.

Looking back, the life changing transition was a positive experience once he accepted the responsibility and turned it into something joyful and fun, he concludes. He celebrated the possibilities of a new life rather than dwell on the things he couldn't do anymore...

coming soon... Part3: Flow with the tide of time...

Part1 : Flow with the tide of time...

2009-09-28T00:35:00.005+08:00

Life is like an onion. Each peel of the lovely translucent skin reveals more tender piece inside. The inner layers hold much sweetness, no matter how eye-stinging. But while the onion gets smaller as you peel, life seems to expand as you peel off the layers. Every life changing event force Mama, Hubby and I to peel one layer of our life so the transition to another level or layer of our existence can take place.

How do we cope though? What are our stories? Here we relate our experiences of gaining new perspective, and seeing inner growth.

Mama's story : Adapting to being single again...

Mama is a mother of 3 daughters. She has been single again for slightly more than a decade (now she is married again). She got married in her early twenties and it lasted for a good numbers of years. We were living somewhere in Gombak at the time. She divorced in 1997. They've grown apart and no longer shared the same goals, needs or interests.

Back then, it was a very conservative society and being a divorcee seemed to carry a stigma. She had to adjust to her single status again,hold her head high and ignore the gossip that was circulating. There were few lifestyle adjustments, she had to be more careful with her finances because she had daughters to look after. She realised that she was alone; suddenly being both mum and dad and the nagging fear that her daughters would be traumatised by the divorce troubled her for some time.

The transition was initially difficult. Her goal of owning a place of her own took a backseat. On the social front, she avoided "couple" gatherings. People seemed to feel awkward. She says ruefully: "Maybe they didn't know what to say or maybe they didn't approve of divorcees"

She feels calm now, even if there are times when this fear of the unknown takes over. She was thankful for her father and close friends who supported her decision to end her marriage...

Feeling the BLEAAARGH!!!!

2009-09-26T01:49:00.008+08:00

Bleaaargh!!! That's how I've been feeling yesterday. Nothing seems to be going right. I've been feeling rather low and irritable. The slightest thing set me off on a rampage, even as trivial as my husband asking too many questions. Rayhan likes to act silly and sometimes, he does it to make me feel better but I feel irritated instead and I shout at him. I start thinking that HUBBY is not doing enough to show me he cares. That man loves me to bits and I know it deep inside but these past few months n yesterday, I've felt like shit. I've felt like such a selfish bitch! Then I realise that these feelings are recurring on a monthly basis. Bloody hell! I have PMS!

From the USdoctor.com site: PMS is a disorder characterized by a set of hormonal changes that trigger disruptive symptoms in a significant number of women for up to two weeks prior to menstruation. Of the estimated 40 million suffers, more than 5 million require medical treatment for marked mood and behavioral changes. Often symptoms tend to taper off with menstruation and women remain symptom-free until the two weeks or so prior to the next menstrual period. These regularly recurring symptoms from ovulation until menses typify PMS, premenstrual syndrome.

From the Mayo Clinic site: For many women the signs and symptoms of premenstrual syndrome are an uncomfortable and unwelcome part of their monthly menstrual cycle. The most common physical and emotional signs and symptoms associated with premenstrual syndrome include:

Weight gain from fluid retention
Abdominal bloating
Breast tenderness
Tension or anxiety
Depressed mood
Crying spells
Mood swings and irritability or anger
Appetite changes and food cravings
Trouble falling asleep (insomnia)
Joint or muscle pain
Headache
Fatigue

Although the list of potential signs and symptoms is long, most women with premenstrual syndrome experience only a few of these problems. For some women, the physical pain and emotional stress are severe enough to affect their daily routines and activities. For most of these women, symptoms disappear as the menstrual period begins.

But for some women with premenstrual syndrome, symptoms are so severe they're considered disabling. This form of PMS has its own psychiatric designation — premenstrual dysphoria disorder (PM DD). PM DD is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome with symptoms including severe depression, feelings of hopelessness, anger, anxiety, low self-esteem, difficulty concentrating, irritability and tension. A number of women with severe PMS may have an underlying psychiatric disorder.

Of the 12 symptoms listed above, I have 7 of them! Reading the symptoms of PM DD, I do have "feelings of hopelessness, anger, anxiety, low self-esteem, difficulty concentrating, irritability and tension" close to the time of the month too.

SHIT!

The Biggest Loser - I nak kurus!!!!

2009-09-22T23:40:00.005+08:00

I've been feeling very low lately - low energy, tired, not feeling like doing very much. Generally not interested in anything lah...!!! I am sick of my "baby fat", feeling like a tub of lard, my love handles and not being able to buy clothes off the rack.

Ironically, I am not THAT fat! Ya lah, need to lose about 15kg. I weight in at 60kg now and I am only 161cm tall. Been hearing once too often comments like, "If only you're not so fat, you will look quite cute", "You have beautiful features but need to lose weight lah", " Wahh, your butt sobig lah".

Nope, my weight gain is not from having a kid. I have always been chubby throughout my adolescence years. I lost quite a bit of weight and was at my ideal weight when I was working as a flight attendant. I gained weight consistently over several years being in a very happy relationship. When I got pregnant, I weighed about 48kg and went up to about 60kg just before I gave birth to Rayhan in 2007. Lost all those weight during confinement. Thanks to breastfeeding, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight very quickly. Now I've gained more! I need to get back to my pre-Hubby weight!

Ironically, I know what to do. Just do not have the discipline to follow through and stick to healthy living. I know I need to reduce my food portion and watch what I eat. I know I need to eat more fruit and veg and less meat and rice. I know I need to cut out refined-carbo. I know I need to cut out snacking while watching TV at night. I know I need to get off my butt and exercise. My most recent healthy living spurt was going on a "Fit For Life" diet which was not combining protein and carbo. Stuck to that for about 30 days and lost 5kg. If that was the rate of weight loss, I just need to revamp my eating habit, combine that with exercise, I should be able to shed 15kg within 6 months!

Why didn't I? Because the fried chicken is so yummy with rice! Because, that dhall curry and chapati is sooooo good! Because my son wants my attention, so I can't possibly go for my walk now. Because I slept late last night, so I want to sleep in. So many excuses and so little weight loss and more weight gain... Is it my imagination or is it more difficult to get back on revamping my lifestyle after having lapse once?

When will I change my eating habit? When will I start exercising? How long will I stick to eating healthy and exercising? Fruit juice in the morning, eat sensibly the rest of the day and exercise. Not difficult right? Then why can't I do it??

Allahyarham Yasmin Ahmad

2009-09-22T22:28:00.009+08:00

I can't help but cry each time I come across an article,movies or documentary regarding Yasmin Ahmad. It's hard to accept the fact that my favourite Malaysian film director has indeed passed away. Ever since RABUN, she has never failed to inspire me. Behind every work of hers lies such heart and soul that it pains me now that we won't be seeing any updates from her anymore.

If only every Malaysian can see the world like she did, only then we can achieve 1MALAYSIA. I dare to say here that there will be no one of her calibre,who can view the world the way she did. She was an inspiration to everyone,except to the critics who fail to understand what unity is, what true values are - values that she's incorporated into her movies, that reflect what's genuine and sincere.

I, and many others, wish that MUALLAF will be screened. that is how we can show our respect, remembrance. And I know, every time I think of her, it's a smile she'll wish I lift, and not a tear for me to shed. For she tried hard to bring joy to others, regardless of whom. And the best way for us to remember her is by a smile.

For one that smiles all the time, I guess that is adequate. She will always live in our hearts, looking after us. It's time we practise what she preached. AL - FATIHAH...

Lateness Karma

2009-08-17T18:47:00.002+08:00

Waiting on a friend is a power struggle. People take punctuality very seriously. But it is worse to be kept waiting or to be the one who is running late? Both are stressful. Traditionally, the person who is force to wait is considered to be the one in the inferior position because they’re stuck. When someone is running late they’re in a panic but at least they know they have the upper hand.

People who are left waiting have no choice other than to leave or to sit patiently at the table and ponder the question: WHAT’S MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME?????. Usually the answer is traffic. This is the universal excuse that justifies lateness and reaffirms it’snot personal and beyond their control. Also when it’s raining, traffic gets bumped up to ‘nightmare’ status and being 15 minutes late is considered punctual. Another acceptable excuse is – work. Inserting ‘THE BOSS’ gives its even more legitimacy because no one can argue with “THE BOSS, wanted to speak with me just as I was leaving”.

Why is it that when I’m late, it’s my own fault, but when other people are late, it’s out of their hands? Maybe because most of the times, my lateness is costing money. Whoever I’m meeting has a babysitter. Or a meter running. Or a conference to get to. Someone is waiting for them, there is somewhere else they need to be.

I don’t get upset when someone keeps me waiting because I believe in “LATENESS KARMA”. I think if I don’t get mad when someone is running late, in the future, someone will be forgiving of me. When a man is late it’s because he’s busy. When a woman is late it’s because she’s slow. And if it’s a date, all is forgiven if a woman shows up looking good.

Of course I never seem to get it right. I arrive on time for people who turn up late, and turn up late for people who are on time. But given the choice, I prefer to be the one is waiting. I don’t mind (tapi jangan ambil kesempatan pula tau!). probably because I’m grateful when people turn up at all.

Save on Groceries

2009-06-14T23:01:00.003+08:00

One day, my husband asked me a question on “Sayang, how far would you go on 2 save on groceries?” Mmmm... With the uncertain economy, prices of many goods have risen to seemingly astronomical levels. Goods that I used to buy on a whim have become luxury items, forcing us to grapple with ballooning groceries bills. I am beginning to hoard discount vouchers that used to go ignored in the past.

I seldom cook western food because ingredients like cheese & pasta have become so expensive. If I can manage to find these at bargain prices, only then will I indulge in such an extravagant menu. I do tend to cook more local food these days. They taste just as good as exotic dishes & are so much cheaper to make. When we eat, we focus on enjoying the moment together, so it doesn’t really matter whether we’re eating cheap or expensive food.

My husband said, “Sayang, I am preparing a plot of land at the back of the house to plant vegetables & fruits trees. I’m tilling the land & hope we can start planting soon. The vegetables we havest will be for daily use. What do you think?”

“Oh B (hubby), you are so rajin!!! Tapi I malas la nak tanam & jaga pokok... Penat jaga anak & buat chores... bla...bla...bla...” That was my reaction to his plan... (kalau dah malas,macam-macam alasan la keluar dari mulut) hehe... I think he was upset to hear my comment.

Tapi takpe, just because I’m too lazy to do gardening, doesn’t mean that I don’t have other plan to help to reduce our groceries bills... I’ll be looking to supermarket with the lowest prices on the things that I need to buy or the ones with really good offers & go there to shop. Maybe we can also buy house brand generic items (GIANTS, TESCO, CARREFOUR etc...) like dishwashing liquid, tissue & kitchen towels etc... as they are cheaper than commercial brands.

“B, ok tak my plan?” Happy shopping everyone!!!

Before & After a Child...

2009-06-02T01:35:00.016+08:00

As I'm in my bed, trying to sleep, my mind began to wonder. I started to think about my life before I had a kid. That life wasn't that long ago but it seems like a different lifetime ago. I was someone who loved to sleep. I could sleep the whole day and still sleep at night. If I didn't get my 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I was a grouch. I'm still a grouch when I'm sleepy but I can now survive on less sleep. I don't remember what it's like to sleep the whole night through anymore. I do find myself waking up to see if Rayhan is sleeping soundly. Until recently, Rayhan still woke up at night to nurse.

Before a child... I used to be able to wear anything I wanted without having to think if what I was wearing was suitable for nursing on demand. I could wear frilly underwear and not horrible nursing bras.

After a child... Speaking of nursing bras, someone please explain to me... A woman who had recently given birth to a baby and is still carrying some weight gained during pregnancy. Her body used to be made up of perky breasts, firm tummy and a tight butt. After childbirth, she resembles Jello more than J Lo. With a newborn baby, there is very little time to take a shower, let alone pick out something nice to wear (pre-pregnancy clothes don't fit anyway) and put on some make-up. Her hormones are still out of whack and her self-esteem isn't at the optimum level. She is sleep depraved from taking care of a newborn and probably grumpy. Why are nursing bras so ugly then? Why aren't nursing bras made to look attractive so that there is some semblance of normalcy with postpartum women? This is the time when the bust are up two cup sizes. Vava voom! But I digress...

(the non-attractive nursing bra)

(i wish nursing bras are attractive & sexy like these lingerie)

Before a child... Was also the time when I needed to think only of packing for myself and Wan. Go for short holiday at a moment notice. One bag for the both of us. Pack books or trashy gossip magazines to read while on holiday. Laze by the Sipadan Island beach and read or just take a nap whilst listening to the lapping waves. No chance of that now.

After a child... We had to calculate how many diapers to bring, how many sets of clothes in case our baby dirtied himself, if we need to pack baby food, remember to pack baby shampoo, baby bath, sunblock, nappy rash cream, children paracetamol (just in case), baby toys (to keep him occupied in the car or airplane), baby stroller, etc, etc, etc... Fortunately, I breastfeed him so no need to deal with hot water bottle, formula, baby bottles, sterilizing container and tablet, washing up liquid and bottle brush. Have to try to relax while keeping an eye on the children, to make sure they're safe.

Before a child... we started on our journey whenever we felt was right. Absolutely no hurry. We can choose to drive/fly straight to our destination or make stops whenever we wanted to.

After a child... When travelling with a child, we need to plan the timing for the journey. Start too early & he haven't had enough sleep so higher chances of him being cranky. Start journey too close to his lunch time, then we'll have think about stopping for lunch. How far is our destination? How many hours will it take to get there? Will I need to pack some snacks and water in case he got hungry or thirsty? Do we need to make toilet stops? What time is our plane leaving? If we're arriving after his dinner time, need to think about packing his dinner.

Before a child... We had a whole library of videos. We watched movies after movies in our TV room. We still have a video library.

After a child... Only now, the library is made up of Barney&Friends videos. Grown-up movies are watched only when the he's in bed, if we're not too tired.

Before a child... Eating out meant having what we fancied.

After a child... Now we have to think if the place we're going to will have food suitable for Rayhan. He is quite good. Rayhan is not fussy with food and will eat whatever the grown ups eat, except spicy (cili padi) food. Rayhan does likes roti canai with curry dhal though. Even so, we still have to check ourselves if there is food for him.

Before a child... Going to the public toilet meant just going to relieve oneself and wash hands after.

After a child... Bring him into the toilet stall, find a place to hang handbag and diaper bag. Make sure he relieves himself without wetting his pants then cringe when he puts his hand against the toilet wall and on whatever is in the toilet. Pull up the child's pants and instruct child to stand still while you take your turn. Tell child not to open toilet door. Bear embarrassing remarks from child, eg, "Mummy, smelly poo poo!" (said on top of his voice of course). Tell him not to open toilet door again. Then grab own handbag & diaper bag and head to the sink. Push tap to start water flowing, pick up Rayhan who is too short to reach the sink to wash hands, try to reach for handsoap without dropping him while trying to stop handbag from slipping down the shoulder, then try to push tap again to wash soap off his hands. Finally, dry hands. Phew!

Even with the big lifestyle changes, if I could turn back the clock I wouldn't change a minute of my life. I cannot imagine myself not having children. Rayhan bring so much joy in my life just being himself. Rayhan's laughter is so infectious and he does love to laugh.

I wouldn't trade anything for the cuddles I get from him. I love being the "Best mummy in the whole wide world" and "The most beautiful mummy in the world". Only my son will tell me things like that! I love how Rayhan thinks I know everything.

I may have been sleep depraved but nothing can match the times when I've held Rayhan in my arms or lay down side by side with him, nursing him and seeing his beautiful face. The look on his face when he's nursing. PRICELESS!

Must see!!! Revolutionary Road...

2009-06-01T23:38:00.004+08:00

Strange how I seem to get ideas for blogging late at night when I should be asleep. I guess at night when my mind can go wild without interruption.

I would like to recommend to you to watch this movie, to those who are married, especially to the women. I going to talk & give my point of view about the character of April Wheeler, plays by Kate Winslet. In this movie Revolutionary Road, April Wheeler is a woman who find herself sacrificing her dreams & wishes to fulfill her duty as a wife & mother.

Well, after watching this movie, I think, for a relationship to work, you have to be yourself. Otherwise you're compromising your true self! That's the problem with April Wheeler, she spends so many years losing touch with her soul that she ends up becoming suicidal & going slightly insane. In life, the most important thing is just to be true to you & I think its hard to do that. Its makes me really sad...

Revolutionary Road, to me, is a portrait of a marriage. It's set in the 1950s, at a time when men & women, particularly women, had extremely limited choices. Life dictated that you should be happy with your lot in life. You should accept the way that it is. This isn't a story about two married people who want to be separate & divorce. They are actually trying to do whatever they can in order to stay together. But they also want to find something more than what they have. I can really understand that...

I think that's why I seem to be really relating to this film. Because there's nothing worse than living a life that you feel you shouldn't be living, or feeling trap, whether it's because of your job or your marriage, or whatever it may be... Everyone needs something to hope for...

Like April Wheeler, has I ever had a point in my life where I wanted to do something, but was confused about whether I should go ahead? Mmmm... I think that's what life is about. Life is about working to those times. It's to do with you figuring out who you are until you really work out what it means to be happy.

We all experience moments when we feel like we're in the wrong job, country, relationship, whatever. Everyone knows what that feels like, to be either with the wrong person or not on the path that you hoped your life would take. So YES, of course, I've been in that position...

Just be YOU!!!

2009-06-01T00:03:00.007+08:00

"You have to be true to yourself". Be yourself & be confident in your own skin. That's what my mom used to tell me as a child. I'm not the kind of person who lives by other people's judgements or opinions. There are so many young women in the world who are so fragile, emotionally, that they can't do that. They can't believe in themselves...

I won't be anything other people necessarily expect me to be. I'll just be myself! That attitude, "Just being YOURSELF", that's what I have been taught my whole life. My mother often said to me, "Go for it! Go for it! What do you care if it doesn't work out? You're never going to learn anything until u try it...".

Wouldn't it be so nice if we could really be exactly who we are & not have to think for 2 seconds about what we're wearing or what we're saying or what we're doing, to be free & be ourselves? But life isn't like that these days. I think we live in a very judgemental society.

Before you can find happiness you have to have some sense of who you are - that Can be difficult. But if you don't have it, you will latch onto the wrong things in order to make yourself happy. Being married to Wan has made me happier than I've ever been before in my whole life, but it can take a while to find what you want.

It's all about working on your confidence & having complete trust in your own strengths. "YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE, YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT!"

Lesson from Life...

2009-05-31T22:54:00.009+08:00

Few years ago, a bomb blew my world apart. I discovered that my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) was having an affair. He ended it up but the pain didn't stop. I scrambled to put together the broken pieces of my life but they kept falling apart. We had decided to stay together & work things out, but it wasn't working. I was stressed juggling works & our problems. I couldn't trust him & hated him for what he had done.

One day, I realised that before I could take care of others, I had to take care of myself. I need to see the role I had played in unravelling our relationship. I'm forcing to acknowledge that he wasn't one to blame. I believe that I was a loving, kind & giving person, but maybe that wasn't how I behave toward him. Mmmm... maybe...

I was insecure & we argued a lot. Partners are suppose to nurture, not compete with each other. I had emasculated my man & chosen not to be supportive when I should have. It took a while for me to forgive myself this...

A year later, we eventually break-off. There is no bitterness on my part. I understand that everything that happens is an opportunity for me to learn & grow. In the process of repairing my life, I had found my true place of peace, calm & forgiveness. What happened to me was painful but it helped me change into a better person. That would not have happened if I hadn't realised that the person who needed the most care was ME...

Why don't woman talk about this?

2009-05-31T00:23:00.016+08:00

A change in priorities has let to a 180 degree change in my previously lifestyle. I;m going to speak to you about the joys, trials & tribulations of being a mother. I have a son name Muhammad Rayhan who now rules my life.

(a 2D ultrasound image of rayhan, 10 weeks)

(a 3D ultrasound image of rayhan, 32 weeks)

(picture taken 3 hours before i give birth to rayhan)

It was the year 2006 when i discovered that I was pregnant. I was busy working that i didn't realise I was pregnant. I was to busy to noticed that I had missed my period. My family was great,dekzu (my sister) was excited. My mother was amazing, she came from KL to Tawau to help me with my confinement period.

My little boy has never liked sleep very much but I'm enjoying it while I can, which is why everything else takes a backseat. Rayhan is very, very bright but he was going crazy running around in circle in our house. Before we moved to our own house, we lived with my mother-in-law, it eases my burden but it also provides him with stimulation from other people. Plus, because there are other people around in the morning, I can actually go& have a poo or a shower.
Sometimes,when he doesn't want to stay alone, at the same time I sakit perot nak berak (stomach ache), I'd drag him kicking & screaming into the toilet! The horrors no woman talks about. Why don't woman talk about this? They always say, "Oh, no,no... It's fine,there's no problem..." Have you ever tried to (poop) with a screaming baby & the phone won't stop ringing, some one's at the door... U just want to cry & scream GO AWAY!!!

Every mother recognises this scenario but why is it that no one ever talks about that trying moments of motherhood? It is because they're afraid of being labelled a bad mother? Isn't it natural to be overwhelmed once in a while? Isn't it perfectly acceptable to crave an uninterrupted nights sleep or the ability to shut the bathroom door for more than 30 seconds? Why do woman insist of putting up a front & pretending that motherhood is a breeze?

I feel that I've won the lottery when my kid wakes up only twice a night! I have not had uninterrupted sleeps for 2 years. He wakes up only 3 times a night now. I'm trying to figure out where I want to go & what I want to do. Being a mom, I can't do what I used to do. But I do have great network of family & friends... Luv u all..

Till Death Do Us Part...

2009-05-30T01:00:00.011+08:00

I fell in love with my husband, Mr.Julizwan Subi, on the day we first met (year 2004). He proposed on the year 2005 & 6 months later we were legally married. No, I was not hasty, although all my friends thought so...

We were very different to each other & at first he did not fulfil my ideas of a dream man then. But there was something about his quiet charm that i fell for immediately. He made me so comfortable & secure. I find his self-assurance very comforting & there has never been a day in our 3 years of marriage that we have not talked to each other. Every nights, without fail, we hug or tease each other before going to bed,even on nights when we argue. Never go to bed when u feel sad or unhappy... My husband brings out the best in me. He makes me want to be a better person. Yet, when I first met him, I was not confident of my capabilities. He made me see that we don't need to compete to have what we want in life. I still learns a lot from him & is glad to be able to be completely myself when I am with him. And these things, as well as ours differences, keep the marriage together. I feel my husband & I compliment each other but posses the same values in life,espeacially in raising our son, in respecting people & in wanting to be financially independant. Well... You have to be very realistic with the expectations of the marriage first, & not to be too idealistic...

My hubby just celebrated his 27th birthday & my son was born on the same date as his father (4th May). And on 5th May, we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary... I love u, sayang.. This is a wonderfully sinful picture of a birthday cake for you that i found from the internet, if u want to take a look at the cake, scrool down...

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stop here if you are someone who gets embarrased easily

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don't say i didn't warn you!!!!
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************** CHEERS!!!!! HAHAHA!!!!!

Follow your dreams...

2009-05-28T04:29:00.005+08:00

When my career in the airline industry (I was working as a flight attendant for Malaysia Airlines) began to blossom, I strived for all-out excellence so I could make my way up the industry ladder. I was focused & dedicated, but that all changed when Allah (God) blessed me with my first child,so I quit my job.My life changed dramatically. I moved to Tawau,Sabah with my beloved husband. Instead of dealing with passengers, I am dealing with my beautiful son.

My challenges are different. It felt as though I had left one world behind. As my friends are all working,I felt it even more... I wanted my child & my career but I knew I couldn't do it right then (my son is still breastfeeding & refuse to drink formula milk).

I love bugging up my boy. As fulfilling as it was, my sabbatical was not easy on me as I saw my friends climbing up the ladder. I truly felt that I had lost a lot.....

My mother said, "Kak long, sabar ok... (be patient) When u doesn't get something, u do not dwell on it for too long. Believe in Allah & karma, so as long as you're positive, keep going & keep your spirits up. There will always be something better." ..... I love u MAMA!!!.....

I'm Blogging!!!!!

2009-05-27T02:06:00.000+08:00

Been hearing about blogging & reading other people's blogs, I want my own blog!!! WHY? There have been times when I've felt I've something to say but nowhere & no one to say it too... I guess this will be where I can say what I want to say,hear,feel & experience...