Lesson from life.... 2

I will never stop loving him but I can place that love in a stored away place in my heart, where I don't allow it to control myself anymore. May Allah grant me strength to do that.

Hormonal Shifts of a Pregnant Woman

For a person who does not have first-hand experience with the hormonal shifts of a pregnant woman, it can be hard to believe that it will happen. Some pregnant women are irritable, some yell at their partners, while other expectant mothers are just surly. Some may not have any visible hormonal outbursts at all. My husband has been lucky personally in that I have not had too extreme of an emotional roller coaster while pregnant. I swore at the refrigerator and had a few small hormonal episodes, but nothing too major. Sure, he has gone to bed a few nights and wondered if he would see the light of day, but overall nothing too bad. That said, I would like to share some admissions about my hormones during pregnancy and things I've said or done to my partner during a hormonally charged state. * I yell at him a lot and question everything he does. *I cry every time we argue. And sometimes I get mad at him and start an argument when its not necessary. Then I tell him he needs to not argue back so it doesn't upset me and that makes me cry more. Poor guy! he's so confused...but he understands its my hormones. and when I've calmed down, i explain why. * I cant stand the smell of my husband! Every time he is near me I feel sick (he is very clean so it's not a hygiene thing) but he gets pis*ed of because I do everything to stay away from him when he gets home and I don't know how to tell him. * Even though he did tons of things for me, I STILL yelled at him, and I feel really horrible about it now! I found that if I had problems with other people or just a bad day in general, I took it out on him even though he didn't deserve it. * I LOVE to cry! He wisely said nothing, let me cry it out. I then cried even harder while I apologized for being such a silly, selfish, unreasonable beast. Everyone's experience is different, but expectant fathers should be fully aware that hormones may rear their ugly head at any time during pregnancy. Do keep in mind that pregnancy is a wonderful time and pregnant women are beautiful, so tell her.

How shall we tell our children about Allah? | Questions on Islam

How shall we tell our children about Allah? | Questions on Islam

My child did what?

Everyone does it. Everyone talks about other people’s kids. Mostly, it’s good-natured jokes about bad hair cuts and pot bellies and crooked teeth. But, all of us have to admit, sometimes it’s more. “She’s a tough one” or “He’s a wildcard” or “We steer clear of so-and-so.” Some kids trigger our protective instincts and in the company of a like-minded mother, a small objection to a specific behavior can become a broader critique of character. This will never stop, even between friends. The most honest feedback you can hope for is a factual account of an eye-witnessed event, for instance, “Today after school, I saw your kid smack my kid.” And I know plenty of cases when even this seemingly essential information is withheld. It’s understandable. Nobody wants to tell a parent that their child has been mean, or rude, or bossy since today’s victim is tomorrow’s bully just as today’s mortal enemy is tomorrow’s best buddy. Anyway, who wants to sound like an uptight tattletale? It’s not just kids who want to seem cool and laid back. And most of the time, it’s hearsay. Are you really going to risk seeming holier-than-thou based on the half-baked report of a six year-old? The thing is, if you choose to bite your tongue and give an incomplete report of the playdate—“It was great!” when the truth was “Your kid whacked my kid on the head with a Barbie doll”—then you can’t turn around and tell someone else. If you choose to stay silent, you have to actually stay silent. If you find you just can’t keep it in, the only person you should really talk to is Barbie Swinger’s mom. Even if you’re afraid of how she’ll react. Even if you’re afraid that she’ll, oh I dunno, write a column about it. Giving a parent negative feedback about their child is a small act of courage. Just ask my son's kindie teacher Mrs. Pang who shared some things about my son's behavior that turned me inside-out for 48 hours (during which she was witness to several of my own “areas needing improvement”). Why is it so painful to come face to face with our children’s flaws? In my case, the pain came from two different places. One, it’s unsettling to think that other people can see something that you can’t. Our effectiveness hinges on our ability to see our kids’ clearly. I tried to dismiss Mrs. Pang's reports, believe me, but they were quickly corroborated by two other parents, convincing me that I have been asleep at the wheel, a wheel I thought I had been white-knuckling. After all, just like everyone reading this right now, my children are my top priority. The second cause of my pain? My big fat ego. While my children happily work their way through developmental stages of autonomy, identity and separation, I cling. I realized this last year when my wise friend Susan said, “We are not our children.” Was there ever such a simple and obvious statement with such sweeping implications? Susan went on to say, as I was sharing my theory that my son is hot tempered because my dad is hot tempered too. "Anne, we influence them, we do not make them.” If everything that is said about your child is essentially something said about you--your parenting, your nature--you and your child will be operating at a considerable disadvantage. Attaching your ego to your child--their reputation, their behavior, their happiness--is the exact opposite of lifting them up. It’s putting rocks in their backpack, making everything they do weightier than it needs to be. Beyond that, it’s impossible to see them clearly if they are obscured by a giant mirror showing your reflection. In my life as a mother, this was a growth spurt. This was when I let some blood back into my knuckles. This was the time I decided to stop talking about other people’s kids with anyone but their parents. And this is the time I learned to hear feedback and push past all the rotten self-doubt and defensiveness and just see it for what it is: a little gift.

A reluctant SAHM

Today is Izyan Amani 1st birthday, oh she is our 3rd. I guess some of u didnt know about her arrival because it has been 2 years I didn't update my blog. We were so glad she was here. We agreed she "rounded us out". Three was a nice number - or so I thought. Wan seems to think we have one more child in our future. I just looked at him. Then I said, "Hey, if you can find a way to carry the baby and be primary caregiver for a while - I'm on board". And I meant it. You know, I can't help but be a bit resentful sometimes. Not at him, but in general; how this society is set up for women - especially mothers. As soon as he went back to work, all was well and life was pretty much back to normal for him. How much has his life changed since we had kids? I actually asked him this one time, and he couldn't give me an answer. Other than having 3 young children added to our family - not much. His career is going pretty fucking well. He has a highly coveted and marketable skillset. He still has a social life completely outside of children. He never had a years long pause in his career - never had to put it on hold for anybody. And what about me? I have no career. I've been out of the workforce for 7 years now. Seven. I am thinking of starting school again, or working again, and even with that the kids dictate how fast I can bust through it because I am primary caregiver. Meanwhile he can go hobnob with the bosses, office mates after work because of course I am home. I am always home. He can take as long at work and work as hard as he needs to without worry because again - Wifey is home! Yes, he is bettering our family by bettering his career - but that's what I am trying to do with school or work. And I cannot work on it head-on like I want to. I have no one home for me to pick up the slack; I have no housewife. I have no social life at all outside of kids. No one wants or needs my expertise.  I am with the kids all day every day and I am at my wits end. I am done. Spent. Over it. I'm done putting my life on hold. Dammit, I want something for me and being a stay-at-home-mom and housewife is not it. And the kicker? I "don't have a job" so I am not even contributing to my social security. No 40K. I can only get medical and travel benefits through my employed husband. Now I know what "The invisible work of women" means. So, yeah. Just felt like venting last week. It was just a terrible week. I am feeling like I'm coming down with something,Izyan started the day off with whining and crying like always, demands, demands, demands right from the start, teething toddler who literally cries while following me around the house. Constant fights. More whining. Screaming, crying, wiping snot and ass, cleaning, serving.  And then I picture what Wan is doing at that moment; he sitting with grown-ups who can handle themselves, enjoying a hot cup of coffee (one that doesn't end up being ice cold by the time he gets to finish it) while working. In peace. Hell - he can even sleep if he wants to. If he is busy, he Still doing what he loves to do without feeling guilty. It's just one of those days I guess. Do I have regrets? Sure as hell do. I will give this advice to anyone that asks or even hints at it (especially my own daughter): Unless you know for sure that you want to be a SAHM until death, DO NOT - and I repeat - DO NOT have kids before you have a career, or at least your degree. As a woman you will get stuck staying home with the kids if you are not the breadwinner already. And even if you are the breadwinner or close to it - odds are if you and the father both want someone to stay home, IT WILL BE YOU, woman, because you are just that - a woman. You are the mother and you will have this maternal guilt tugging at your heartstrings. You will have society telling you that's what you should do, and if things are going perfectly at home (father has great paying job and you are financially set) - then dammit that's what you must do.  Do not leave yourself without options. I just hope my children will look back on this time and are thankful I stayed at home with them. Just some advice from someone who has been there, done that, doing it.

Feeling the BLEAAARGH!!!!

Bleaaargh!!! That's how I've been feeling yesterday. Nothing seems to be going right. I've been feeling rather low and irritable. The slightest thing set me off on a rampage, even as trivial as my husband asking too many questions. Rayhan likes to act silly and sometimes, he does it to make me feel better but I feel irritated instead and I shout at him. I start thinking that HUBBY is not doing enough to show me he cares. That man loves me to bits and I know it deep inside but these past few months n yesterday, I've felt like shit. I've felt like such a selfish bitch! Then I realise that these feelings are recurring on a monthly basis. Bloody hell! I have PMS!

From the USdoctor.com site: PMS is a disorder characterized by a set of hormonal changes that trigger disruptive symptoms in a significant number of women for up to two weeks prior to menstruation. Of the estimated 40 million suffers, more than 5 million require medical treatment for marked mood and behavioral changes. Often symptoms tend to taper off with menstruation and women remain symptom-free until the two weeks or so prior to the next menstrual period. These regularly recurring symptoms from ovulation until menses typify PMS, premenstrual syndrome.

From the Mayo Clinic site: For many women the signs and symptoms of premenstrual syndrome are an uncomfortable and unwelcome part of their monthly menstrual cycle. The most common physical and emotional signs and symptoms associated with premenstrual syndrome include:

Weight gain from fluid retention
Abdominal bloating
Breast tenderness
Tension or anxiety
Depressed mood
Crying spells
Mood swings and irritability or anger
Appetite changes and food cravings
Trouble falling asleep (insomnia)
Joint or muscle pain
Headache
Fatigue

Although the list of potential signs and symptoms is long, most women with premenstrual syndrome experience only a few of these problems. For some women, the physical pain and emotional stress are severe enough to affect their daily routines and activities. For most of these women, symptoms disappear as the menstrual period begins.

But for some women with premenstrual syndrome, symptoms are so severe they're considered disabling. This form of PMS has its own psychiatric designation — premenstrual dysphoria disorder (PM DD). PM DD is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome with symptoms including severe depression, feelings of hopelessness, anger, anxiety, low self-esteem, difficulty concentrating, irritability and tension. A number of women with severe PMS may have an underlying psychiatric disorder.

Of the 12 symptoms listed above, I have 7 of them! Reading the symptoms of PM DD, I do have "feelings of hopelessness, anger, anxiety, low self-esteem, difficulty concentrating, irritability and tension" close to the time of the month too.

SHIT!

Lateness Karma

Waiting on a friend is a power struggle. People take punctuality very seriously. But it is worse to be kept waiting or to be the one who is running late? Both are stressful. Traditionally, the person who is force to wait is considered to be the one in the inferior position because they’re stuck. When someone is running late they’re in a panic but at least they know they have the upper hand.

People who are left waiting have no choice other than to leave or to sit patiently at the table and ponder the question: WHAT’S MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME?????. Usually the answer is traffic. This is the universal excuse that justifies lateness and reaffirms it’snot personal and beyond their control. Also when it’s raining, traffic gets bumped up to ‘nightmare’ status and being 15 minutes late is considered punctual. Another acceptable excuse is – work. Inserting ‘THE BOSS’ gives its even more legitimacy because no one can argue with “THE BOSS, wanted to speak with me just as I was leaving”.

Why is it that when I’m late, it’s my own fault, but when other people are late, it’s out of their hands? Maybe because most of the times, my lateness is costing money. Whoever I’m meeting has a babysitter. Or a meter running. Or a conference to get to. Someone is waiting for them, there is somewhere else they need to be.

I don’t get upset when someone keeps me waiting because I believe in “LATENESS KARMA”. I think if I don’t get mad when someone is running late, in the future, someone will be forgiving of me. When a man is late it’s because he’s busy. When a woman is late it’s because she’s slow. And if it’s a date, all is forgiven if a woman shows up looking good.

Of course I never seem to get it right. I arrive on time for people who turn up late, and turn up late for people who are on time. But given the choice, I prefer to be the one is waiting. I don’t mind (tapi jangan ambil kesempatan pula tau!). probably because I’m grateful when people turn up at all.