Lesson from life.... 2

I will never stop loving him but I can place that love in a stored away place in my heart, where I don't allow it to control myself anymore. May Allah grant me strength to do that.

Hormonal Shifts of a Pregnant Woman

For a person who does not have first-hand experience with the hormonal shifts of a pregnant woman, it can be hard to believe that it will happen. Some pregnant women are irritable, some yell at their partners, while other expectant mothers are just surly. Some may not have any visible hormonal outbursts at all. My husband has been lucky personally in that I have not had too extreme of an emotional roller coaster while pregnant. I swore at the refrigerator and had a few small hormonal episodes, but nothing too major. Sure, he has gone to bed a few nights and wondered if he would see the light of day, but overall nothing too bad. That said, I would like to share some admissions about my hormones during pregnancy and things I've said or done to my partner during a hormonally charged state. * I yell at him a lot and question everything he does. *I cry every time we argue. And sometimes I get mad at him and start an argument when its not necessary. Then I tell him he needs to not argue back so it doesn't upset me and that makes me cry more. Poor guy! he's so confused...but he understands its my hormones. and when I've calmed down, i explain why. * I cant stand the smell of my husband! Every time he is near me I feel sick (he is very clean so it's not a hygiene thing) but he gets pis*ed of because I do everything to stay away from him when he gets home and I don't know how to tell him. * Even though he did tons of things for me, I STILL yelled at him, and I feel really horrible about it now! I found that if I had problems with other people or just a bad day in general, I took it out on him even though he didn't deserve it. * I LOVE to cry! He wisely said nothing, let me cry it out. I then cried even harder while I apologized for being such a silly, selfish, unreasonable beast. Everyone's experience is different, but expectant fathers should be fully aware that hormones may rear their ugly head at any time during pregnancy. Do keep in mind that pregnancy is a wonderful time and pregnant women are beautiful, so tell her.

How shall we tell our children about Allah? | Questions on Islam

How shall we tell our children about Allah? | Questions on Islam

My child did what?

Everyone does it. Everyone talks about other people’s kids. Mostly, it’s good-natured jokes about bad hair cuts and pot bellies and crooked teeth. But, all of us have to admit, sometimes it’s more. “She’s a tough one” or “He’s a wildcard” or “We steer clear of so-and-so.” Some kids trigger our protective instincts and in the company of a like-minded mother, a small objection to a specific behavior can become a broader critique of character. This will never stop, even between friends. The most honest feedback you can hope for is a factual account of an eye-witnessed event, for instance, “Today after school, I saw your kid smack my kid.” And I know plenty of cases when even this seemingly essential information is withheld. It’s understandable. Nobody wants to tell a parent that their child has been mean, or rude, or bossy since today’s victim is tomorrow’s bully just as today’s mortal enemy is tomorrow’s best buddy. Anyway, who wants to sound like an uptight tattletale? It’s not just kids who want to seem cool and laid back. And most of the time, it’s hearsay. Are you really going to risk seeming holier-than-thou based on the half-baked report of a six year-old? The thing is, if you choose to bite your tongue and give an incomplete report of the playdate—“It was great!” when the truth was “Your kid whacked my kid on the head with a Barbie doll”—then you can’t turn around and tell someone else. If you choose to stay silent, you have to actually stay silent. If you find you just can’t keep it in, the only person you should really talk to is Barbie Swinger’s mom. Even if you’re afraid of how she’ll react. Even if you’re afraid that she’ll, oh I dunno, write a column about it. Giving a parent negative feedback about their child is a small act of courage. Just ask my son's kindie teacher Mrs. Pang who shared some things about my son's behavior that turned me inside-out for 48 hours (during which she was witness to several of my own “areas needing improvement”). Why is it so painful to come face to face with our children’s flaws? In my case, the pain came from two different places. One, it’s unsettling to think that other people can see something that you can’t. Our effectiveness hinges on our ability to see our kids’ clearly. I tried to dismiss Mrs. Pang's reports, believe me, but they were quickly corroborated by two other parents, convincing me that I have been asleep at the wheel, a wheel I thought I had been white-knuckling. After all, just like everyone reading this right now, my children are my top priority. The second cause of my pain? My big fat ego. While my children happily work their way through developmental stages of autonomy, identity and separation, I cling. I realized this last year when my wise friend Susan said, “We are not our children.” Was there ever such a simple and obvious statement with such sweeping implications? Susan went on to say, as I was sharing my theory that my son is hot tempered because my dad is hot tempered too. "Anne, we influence them, we do not make them.” If everything that is said about your child is essentially something said about you--your parenting, your nature--you and your child will be operating at a considerable disadvantage. Attaching your ego to your child--their reputation, their behavior, their happiness--is the exact opposite of lifting them up. It’s putting rocks in their backpack, making everything they do weightier than it needs to be. Beyond that, it’s impossible to see them clearly if they are obscured by a giant mirror showing your reflection. In my life as a mother, this was a growth spurt. This was when I let some blood back into my knuckles. This was the time I decided to stop talking about other people’s kids with anyone but their parents. And this is the time I learned to hear feedback and push past all the rotten self-doubt and defensiveness and just see it for what it is: a little gift.

A reluctant SAHM

Today is Izyan Amani 1st birthday, oh she is our 3rd. I guess some of u didnt know about her arrival because it has been 2 years I didn't update my blog. We were so glad she was here. We agreed she "rounded us out". Three was a nice number - or so I thought. Wan seems to think we have one more child in our future. I just looked at him. Then I said, "Hey, if you can find a way to carry the baby and be primary caregiver for a while - I'm on board". And I meant it. You know, I can't help but be a bit resentful sometimes. Not at him, but in general; how this society is set up for women - especially mothers. As soon as he went back to work, all was well and life was pretty much back to normal for him. How much has his life changed since we had kids? I actually asked him this one time, and he couldn't give me an answer. Other than having 3 young children added to our family - not much. His career is going pretty fucking well. He has a highly coveted and marketable skillset. He still has a social life completely outside of children. He never had a years long pause in his career - never had to put it on hold for anybody. And what about me? I have no career. I've been out of the workforce for 7 years now. Seven. I am thinking of starting school again, or working again, and even with that the kids dictate how fast I can bust through it because I am primary caregiver. Meanwhile he can go hobnob with the bosses, office mates after work because of course I am home. I am always home. He can take as long at work and work as hard as he needs to without worry because again - Wifey is home! Yes, he is bettering our family by bettering his career - but that's what I am trying to do with school or work. And I cannot work on it head-on like I want to. I have no one home for me to pick up the slack; I have no housewife. I have no social life at all outside of kids. No one wants or needs my expertise.  I am with the kids all day every day and I am at my wits end. I am done. Spent. Over it. I'm done putting my life on hold. Dammit, I want something for me and being a stay-at-home-mom and housewife is not it. And the kicker? I "don't have a job" so I am not even contributing to my social security. No 40K. I can only get medical and travel benefits through my employed husband. Now I know what "The invisible work of women" means. So, yeah. Just felt like venting last week. It was just a terrible week. I am feeling like I'm coming down with something,Izyan started the day off with whining and crying like always, demands, demands, demands right from the start, teething toddler who literally cries while following me around the house. Constant fights. More whining. Screaming, crying, wiping snot and ass, cleaning, serving.  And then I picture what Wan is doing at that moment; he sitting with grown-ups who can handle themselves, enjoying a hot cup of coffee (one that doesn't end up being ice cold by the time he gets to finish it) while working. In peace. Hell - he can even sleep if he wants to. If he is busy, he Still doing what he loves to do without feeling guilty. It's just one of those days I guess. Do I have regrets? Sure as hell do. I will give this advice to anyone that asks or even hints at it (especially my own daughter): Unless you know for sure that you want to be a SAHM until death, DO NOT - and I repeat - DO NOT have kids before you have a career, or at least your degree. As a woman you will get stuck staying home with the kids if you are not the breadwinner already. And even if you are the breadwinner or close to it - odds are if you and the father both want someone to stay home, IT WILL BE YOU, woman, because you are just that - a woman. You are the mother and you will have this maternal guilt tugging at your heartstrings. You will have society telling you that's what you should do, and if things are going perfectly at home (father has great paying job and you are financially set) - then dammit that's what you must do.  Do not leave yourself without options. I just hope my children will look back on this time and are thankful I stayed at home with them. Just some advice from someone who has been there, done that, doing it.

Feeling the BLEAAARGH!!!!

Bleaaargh!!! That's how I've been feeling yesterday. Nothing seems to be going right. I've been feeling rather low and irritable. The slightest thing set me off on a rampage, even as trivial as my husband asking too many questions. Rayhan likes to act silly and sometimes, he does it to make me feel better but I feel irritated instead and I shout at him. I start thinking that HUBBY is not doing enough to show me he cares. That man loves me to bits and I know it deep inside but these past few months n yesterday, I've felt like shit. I've felt like such a selfish bitch! Then I realise that these feelings are recurring on a monthly basis. Bloody hell! I have PMS!

From the USdoctor.com site: PMS is a disorder characterized by a set of hormonal changes that trigger disruptive symptoms in a significant number of women for up to two weeks prior to menstruation. Of the estimated 40 million suffers, more than 5 million require medical treatment for marked mood and behavioral changes. Often symptoms tend to taper off with menstruation and women remain symptom-free until the two weeks or so prior to the next menstrual period. These regularly recurring symptoms from ovulation until menses typify PMS, premenstrual syndrome.

From the Mayo Clinic site: For many women the signs and symptoms of premenstrual syndrome are an uncomfortable and unwelcome part of their monthly menstrual cycle. The most common physical and emotional signs and symptoms associated with premenstrual syndrome include:

Weight gain from fluid retention
Abdominal bloating
Breast tenderness
Tension or anxiety
Depressed mood
Crying spells
Mood swings and irritability or anger
Appetite changes and food cravings
Trouble falling asleep (insomnia)
Joint or muscle pain
Headache
Fatigue

Although the list of potential signs and symptoms is long, most women with premenstrual syndrome experience only a few of these problems. For some women, the physical pain and emotional stress are severe enough to affect their daily routines and activities. For most of these women, symptoms disappear as the menstrual period begins.

But for some women with premenstrual syndrome, symptoms are so severe they're considered disabling. This form of PMS has its own psychiatric designation — premenstrual dysphoria disorder (PM DD). PM DD is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome with symptoms including severe depression, feelings of hopelessness, anger, anxiety, low self-esteem, difficulty concentrating, irritability and tension. A number of women with severe PMS may have an underlying psychiatric disorder.

Of the 12 symptoms listed above, I have 7 of them! Reading the symptoms of PM DD, I do have "feelings of hopelessness, anger, anxiety, low self-esteem, difficulty concentrating, irritability and tension" close to the time of the month too.

SHIT!

The Biggest Loser - I nak kurus!!!!

I've been feeling very low lately - low energy, tired, not feeling like doing very much. Generally not interested in anything lah...!!! I am sick of my "baby fat", feeling like a tub of lard, my love handles and not being able to buy clothes off the rack.

Ironically, I am not THAT fat! Ya lah, need to lose about 15kg. I weight in at 60kg now and I am only 161cm tall. Been hearing once too often comments like, "If only you're not so fat, you will look quite cute", "You have beautiful features but need to lose weight lah", " Wahh, your butt sobig lah".

Nope, my weight gain is not from having a kid. I have always been chubby throughout my adolescence years. I lost quite a bit of weight and was at my ideal weight when I was working as a flight attendant. I gained weight consistently over several years being in a very happy relationship. When I got pregnant, I weighed about 48kg and went up to about 60kg just before I gave birth to Rayhan in 2007. Lost all those weight during confinement. Thanks to breastfeeding, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight very quickly. Now I've gained more! I need to get back to my pre-Hubby weight!

Ironically, I know what to do. Just do not have the discipline to follow through and stick to healthy living. I know I need to reduce my food portion and watch what I eat. I know I need to eat more fruit and veg and less meat and rice. I know I need to cut out refined-carbo. I know I need to cut out snacking while watching TV at night. I know I need to get off my butt and exercise. My most recent healthy living spurt was going on a "Fit For Life" diet which was not combining protein and carbo. Stuck to that for about 30 days and lost 5kg. If that was the rate of weight loss, I just need to revamp my eating habit, combine that with exercise, I should be able to shed 15kg within 6 months!

Why didn't I? Because the fried chicken is so yummy with rice! Because, that dhall curry and chapati is sooooo good! Because my son wants my attention, so I can't possibly go for my walk now. Because I slept late last night, so I want to sleep in. So many excuses and so little weight loss and more weight gain... Is it my imagination or is it more difficult to get back on revamping my lifestyle after having lapse once?

When will I change my eating habit? When will I start exercising? How long will I stick to eating healthy and exercising? Fruit juice in the morning, eat sensibly the rest of the day and exercise. Not difficult right? Then why can't I do it??

Before & After a Child...

As I'm in my bed, trying to sleep, my mind began to wonder. I started to think about my life before I had a kid. That life wasn't that long ago but it seems like a different lifetime ago. I was someone who loved to sleep. I could sleep the whole day and still sleep at night. If I didn't get my 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I was a grouch. I'm still a grouch when I'm sleepy but I can now survive on less sleep. I don't remember what it's like to sleep the whole night through anymore. I do find myself waking up to see if Rayhan is sleeping soundly. Until recently, Rayhan still woke up at night to nurse.

Before a child... I used to be able to wear anything I wanted without having to think if what I was wearing was suitable for nursing on demand. I could wear frilly underwear and not horrible nursing bras.

After a child... Speaking of nursing bras, someone please explain to me... A woman who had recently given birth to a baby and is still carrying some weight gained during pregnancy. Her body used to be made up of perky breasts, firm tummy and a tight butt. After childbirth, she resembles Jello more than J Lo. With a newborn baby, there is very little time to take a shower, let alone pick out something nice to wear (pre-pregnancy clothes don't fit anyway) and put on some make-up. Her hormones are still out of whack and her self-esteem isn't at the optimum level. She is sleep depraved from taking care of a newborn and probably grumpy. Why are nursing bras so ugly then? Why aren't nursing bras made to look attractive so that there is some semblance of normalcy with postpartum women? This is the time when the bust are up two cup sizes. Vava voom! But I digress...

(the non-attractive nursing bra)

(i wish nursing bras are attractive & sexy like these lingerie)

Before a child... Was also the time when I needed to think only of packing for myself and Wan. Go for short holiday at a moment notice. One bag for the both of us. Pack books or trashy gossip magazines to read while on holiday. Laze by the Sipadan Island beach and read or just take a nap whilst listening to the lapping waves. No chance of that now.



After a child... We had to calculate how many diapers to bring, how many sets of clothes in case our baby dirtied himself, if we need to pack baby food, remember to pack baby shampoo, baby bath, sunblock, nappy rash cream, children paracetamol (just in case), baby toys (to keep him occupied in the car or airplane), baby stroller, etc, etc, etc... Fortunately, I breastfeed him so no need to deal with hot water bottle, formula, baby bottles, sterilizing container and tablet, washing up liquid and bottle brush. Have to try to relax while keeping an eye on the children, to make sure they're safe.



Before a child... we started on our journey whenever we felt was right. Absolutely no hurry. We can choose to drive/fly straight to our destination or make stops whenever we wanted to.



After a child... When travelling with a child, we need to plan the timing for the journey. Start too early & he haven't had enough sleep so higher chances of him being cranky. Start journey too close to his lunch time, then we'll have think about stopping for lunch. How far is our destination? How many hours will it take to get there? Will I need to pack some snacks and water in case he got hungry or thirsty? Do we need to make toilet stops? What time is our plane leaving? If we're arriving after his dinner time, need to think about packing his dinner.



Before a child... We had a whole library of videos. We watched movies after movies in our TV room. We still have a video library.

After a child... Only now, the library is made up of Barney&Friends videos. Grown-up movies are watched only when the he's in bed, if we're not too tired.

Before a child... Eating out meant having what we fancied.



After a child... Now we have to think if the place we're going to will have food suitable for Rayhan. He is quite good. Rayhan is not fussy with food and will eat whatever the grown ups eat, except spicy (cili padi) food. Rayhan does likes roti canai with curry dhal though. Even so, we still have to check ourselves if there is food for him.

Before a child... Going to the public toilet meant just going to relieve oneself and wash hands after.

After a child... Bring him into the toilet stall, find a place to hang handbag and diaper bag. Make sure he relieves himself without wetting his pants then cringe when he puts his hand against the toilet wall and on whatever is in the toilet. Pull up the child's pants and instruct child to stand still while you take your turn. Tell child not to open toilet door. Bear embarrassing remarks from child, eg, "Mummy, smelly poo poo!" (said on top of his voice of course). Tell him not to open toilet door again. Then grab own handbag & diaper bag and head to the sink. Push tap to start water flowing, pick up Rayhan who is too short to reach the sink to wash hands, try to reach for handsoap without dropping him while trying to stop handbag from slipping down the shoulder, then try to push tap again to wash soap off his hands. Finally, dry hands. Phew!


Even with the big lifestyle changes, if I could turn back the clock I wouldn't change a minute of my life. I cannot imagine myself not having children. Rayhan bring so much joy in my life just being himself. Rayhan's laughter is so infectious and he does love to laugh.


I wouldn't trade anything for the cuddles I get from him. I love being the "Best mummy in the whole wide world" and "The most beautiful mummy in the world". Only my son will tell me things like that! I love how Rayhan thinks I know everything.


I may have been sleep depraved but nothing can match the times when I've held Rayhan in my arms or lay down side by side with him, nursing him and seeing his beautiful face. The look on his face when he's nursing. PRICELESS!

Lesson from Life...

Few years ago, a bomb blew my world apart. I discovered that my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) was having an affair. He ended it up but the pain didn't stop. I scrambled to put together the broken pieces of my life but they kept falling apart. We had decided to stay together & work things out, but it wasn't working. I was stressed juggling works & our problems. I couldn't trust him & hated him for what he had done.

One day, I realised that before I could take care of others, I had to take care of myself. I need to see the role I had played in unravelling our relationship. I'm forcing to acknowledge that he wasn't one to blame. I believe that I was a loving, kind & giving person, but maybe that wasn't how I behave toward him. Mmmm... maybe...

I was insecure & we argued a lot. Partners are suppose to nurture, not compete with each other. I had emasculated my man & chosen not to be supportive when I should have. It took a while for me to forgive myself this...

A year later, we eventually break-off. There is no bitterness on my part. I understand that everything that happens is an opportunity for me to learn & grow. In the process of repairing my life, I had found my true place of peace, calm & forgiveness. What happened to me was painful but it helped me change into a better person. That would not have happened if I hadn't realised that the person who needed the most care was ME...

Follow your dreams...

When my career in the airline industry (I was working as a flight attendant for Malaysia Airlines) began to blossom, I strived for all-out excellence so I could make my way up the industry ladder. I was focused & dedicated, but that all changed when Allah (God) blessed me with my first child,so I quit my job.My life changed dramatically. I moved to Tawau,Sabah with my beloved husband. Instead of dealing with passengers, I am dealing with my beautiful son.

My challenges are different. It felt as though I had left one world behind. As my friends are all working,I felt it even more... I wanted my child & my career but I knew I couldn't do it right then (my son is still breastfeeding & refuse to drink formula milk).

I love bugging up my boy. As fulfilling as it was, my sabbatical was not easy on me as I saw my friends climbing up the ladder. I truly felt that I had lost a lot.....

My mother said, "Kak long, sabar ok... (be patient) When u doesn't get something, u do not dwell on it for too long. Believe in Allah & karma, so as long as you're positive, keep going & keep your spirits up. There will always be something better." ..... I love u MAMA!!!.....

I'm Blogging!!!!!

Been hearing about blogging & reading other people's blogs, I want my own blog!!! WHY? There have been times when I've felt I've something to say but nowhere & no one to say it too... I guess this will be where I can say what I want to say,hear,feel & experience...