Lesson from life.... 2

I will never stop loving him but I can place that love in a stored away place in my heart, where I don't allow it to control myself anymore. May Allah grant me strength to do that.

Hormonal Shifts of a Pregnant Woman

For a person who does not have first-hand experience with the hormonal shifts of a pregnant woman, it can be hard to believe that it will happen. Some pregnant women are irritable, some yell at their partners, while other expectant mothers are just surly. Some may not have any visible hormonal outbursts at all. My husband has been lucky personally in that I have not had too extreme of an emotional roller coaster while pregnant. I swore at the refrigerator and had a few small hormonal episodes, but nothing too major. Sure, he has gone to bed a few nights and wondered if he would see the light of day, but overall nothing too bad. That said, I would like to share some admissions about my hormones during pregnancy and things I've said or done to my partner during a hormonally charged state. * I yell at him a lot and question everything he does. *I cry every time we argue. And sometimes I get mad at him and start an argument when its not necessary. Then I tell him he needs to not argue back so it doesn't upset me and that makes me cry more. Poor guy! he's so confused...but he understands its my hormones. and when I've calmed down, i explain why. * I cant stand the smell of my husband! Every time he is near me I feel sick (he is very clean so it's not a hygiene thing) but he gets pis*ed of because I do everything to stay away from him when he gets home and I don't know how to tell him. * Even though he did tons of things for me, I STILL yelled at him, and I feel really horrible about it now! I found that if I had problems with other people or just a bad day in general, I took it out on him even though he didn't deserve it. * I LOVE to cry! He wisely said nothing, let me cry it out. I then cried even harder while I apologized for being such a silly, selfish, unreasonable beast. Everyone's experience is different, but expectant fathers should be fully aware that hormones may rear their ugly head at any time during pregnancy. Do keep in mind that pregnancy is a wonderful time and pregnant women are beautiful, so tell her.

How shall we tell our children about Allah? | Questions on Islam

How shall we tell our children about Allah? | Questions on Islam

My child did what?

Everyone does it. Everyone talks about other people’s kids. Mostly, it’s good-natured jokes about bad hair cuts and pot bellies and crooked teeth. But, all of us have to admit, sometimes it’s more. “She’s a tough one” or “He’s a wildcard” or “We steer clear of so-and-so.” Some kids trigger our protective instincts and in the company of a like-minded mother, a small objection to a specific behavior can become a broader critique of character. This will never stop, even between friends. The most honest feedback you can hope for is a factual account of an eye-witnessed event, for instance, “Today after school, I saw your kid smack my kid.” And I know plenty of cases when even this seemingly essential information is withheld. It’s understandable. Nobody wants to tell a parent that their child has been mean, or rude, or bossy since today’s victim is tomorrow’s bully just as today’s mortal enemy is tomorrow’s best buddy. Anyway, who wants to sound like an uptight tattletale? It’s not just kids who want to seem cool and laid back. And most of the time, it’s hearsay. Are you really going to risk seeming holier-than-thou based on the half-baked report of a six year-old? The thing is, if you choose to bite your tongue and give an incomplete report of the playdate—“It was great!” when the truth was “Your kid whacked my kid on the head with a Barbie doll”—then you can’t turn around and tell someone else. If you choose to stay silent, you have to actually stay silent. If you find you just can’t keep it in, the only person you should really talk to is Barbie Swinger’s mom. Even if you’re afraid of how she’ll react. Even if you’re afraid that she’ll, oh I dunno, write a column about it. Giving a parent negative feedback about their child is a small act of courage. Just ask my son's kindie teacher Mrs. Pang who shared some things about my son's behavior that turned me inside-out for 48 hours (during which she was witness to several of my own “areas needing improvement”). Why is it so painful to come face to face with our children’s flaws? In my case, the pain came from two different places. One, it’s unsettling to think that other people can see something that you can’t. Our effectiveness hinges on our ability to see our kids’ clearly. I tried to dismiss Mrs. Pang's reports, believe me, but they were quickly corroborated by two other parents, convincing me that I have been asleep at the wheel, a wheel I thought I had been white-knuckling. After all, just like everyone reading this right now, my children are my top priority. The second cause of my pain? My big fat ego. While my children happily work their way through developmental stages of autonomy, identity and separation, I cling. I realized this last year when my wise friend Susan said, “We are not our children.” Was there ever such a simple and obvious statement with such sweeping implications? Susan went on to say, as I was sharing my theory that my son is hot tempered because my dad is hot tempered too. "Anne, we influence them, we do not make them.” If everything that is said about your child is essentially something said about you--your parenting, your nature--you and your child will be operating at a considerable disadvantage. Attaching your ego to your child--their reputation, their behavior, their happiness--is the exact opposite of lifting them up. It’s putting rocks in their backpack, making everything they do weightier than it needs to be. Beyond that, it’s impossible to see them clearly if they are obscured by a giant mirror showing your reflection. In my life as a mother, this was a growth spurt. This was when I let some blood back into my knuckles. This was the time I decided to stop talking about other people’s kids with anyone but their parents. And this is the time I learned to hear feedback and push past all the rotten self-doubt and defensiveness and just see it for what it is: a little gift.

A reluctant SAHM

Today is Izyan Amani 1st birthday, oh she is our 3rd. I guess some of u didnt know about her arrival because it has been 2 years I didn't update my blog. We were so glad she was here. We agreed she "rounded us out". Three was a nice number - or so I thought. Wan seems to think we have one more child in our future. I just looked at him. Then I said, "Hey, if you can find a way to carry the baby and be primary caregiver for a while - I'm on board". And I meant it. You know, I can't help but be a bit resentful sometimes. Not at him, but in general; how this society is set up for women - especially mothers. As soon as he went back to work, all was well and life was pretty much back to normal for him. How much has his life changed since we had kids? I actually asked him this one time, and he couldn't give me an answer. Other than having 3 young children added to our family - not much. His career is going pretty fucking well. He has a highly coveted and marketable skillset. He still has a social life completely outside of children. He never had a years long pause in his career - never had to put it on hold for anybody. And what about me? I have no career. I've been out of the workforce for 7 years now. Seven. I am thinking of starting school again, or working again, and even with that the kids dictate how fast I can bust through it because I am primary caregiver. Meanwhile he can go hobnob with the bosses, office mates after work because of course I am home. I am always home. He can take as long at work and work as hard as he needs to without worry because again - Wifey is home! Yes, he is bettering our family by bettering his career - but that's what I am trying to do with school or work. And I cannot work on it head-on like I want to. I have no one home for me to pick up the slack; I have no housewife. I have no social life at all outside of kids. No one wants or needs my expertise.  I am with the kids all day every day and I am at my wits end. I am done. Spent. Over it. I'm done putting my life on hold. Dammit, I want something for me and being a stay-at-home-mom and housewife is not it. And the kicker? I "don't have a job" so I am not even contributing to my social security. No 40K. I can only get medical and travel benefits through my employed husband. Now I know what "The invisible work of women" means. So, yeah. Just felt like venting last week. It was just a terrible week. I am feeling like I'm coming down with something,Izyan started the day off with whining and crying like always, demands, demands, demands right from the start, teething toddler who literally cries while following me around the house. Constant fights. More whining. Screaming, crying, wiping snot and ass, cleaning, serving.  And then I picture what Wan is doing at that moment; he sitting with grown-ups who can handle themselves, enjoying a hot cup of coffee (one that doesn't end up being ice cold by the time he gets to finish it) while working. In peace. Hell - he can even sleep if he wants to. If he is busy, he Still doing what he loves to do without feeling guilty. It's just one of those days I guess. Do I have regrets? Sure as hell do. I will give this advice to anyone that asks or even hints at it (especially my own daughter): Unless you know for sure that you want to be a SAHM until death, DO NOT - and I repeat - DO NOT have kids before you have a career, or at least your degree. As a woman you will get stuck staying home with the kids if you are not the breadwinner already. And even if you are the breadwinner or close to it - odds are if you and the father both want someone to stay home, IT WILL BE YOU, woman, because you are just that - a woman. You are the mother and you will have this maternal guilt tugging at your heartstrings. You will have society telling you that's what you should do, and if things are going perfectly at home (father has great paying job and you are financially set) - then dammit that's what you must do.  Do not leave yourself without options. I just hope my children will look back on this time and are thankful I stayed at home with them. Just some advice from someone who has been there, done that, doing it.

A Letter to Remember (by Zuhaini Ismail-my lil sister)

My sister wrote a note for me, words can describe how much I love her... Here, I would like to share it with my readers...

Sometimes when life gets harder and harder everyday, we tend to curse and give up on life..

I want to tell a story about two awesome lady in my life which 'giving up' is not in their book..



The first lady is Asiah Abd Rahman.. 'GARANG', strict, lovable, TOUGH, bold and the most awesome person ever!

Mama, you are a gem of a lady.. She raised my sister and I alone..didn't need any help from anyone.. Its true.. I can still remember we used to live in a small room just 3 of us.. She will go to work and my sister will be the mom for the day..

Its amazing how sometimes I can easily forget the hardships that mama has to go through in raising me and yes she's still taking care of me now!



I used to yelled back at her, argue about how wrong her actions were towards me, made her cry alone at night thinking bout her little girl..



Dear Mama,

I'm sorry mama..never knew how hard it can be being a single parent..I know I've made mistakes here and there..I swear I'm learning from it now.. I'm sorry i made you cry, worried sick about me.. Thank you for standing by me all the time, I learn it the hard way but thank you for showing me the light and guiding me all the way.. Thank you for supporting me and all of my decisions..Thank you for giving me a home, thank you for providing me all that I need.. Thank you for NOT GIVING UP ON ME, thank you everything.. i can never thank you enough mama..

Whatever 'they' said about you, let them be.. They are crazy and there's no room for them to change or even to grow up..You are the greatest and I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!



The second lady is my beloved Kak Long Khairani Ismail



We love to argue.. She will always let me win.. how nice.. ;P

Anyhoo, she was my guardian angel.. My secrets?? She knows it all!

When mama had to go to work, kak long will put on a costume and

'tadaaaa' she's MAMA.. Owh how I miss being your little sister kak long.. Kak long was always there, she took care of everything, from the cooking, laundry, feeding me and she even taught me how to ride a bicycle! haha.. I can still remember falling down those stairs riding the bike.. She always stand up for me.. If I did something wrong, she will always take the blame..At night she hugged me and said

'Adik, whatever happens we must stick together..I promise everything will be alright..'

Now shes , married with 2 kids.. Shes an awesome mommy!



Dear Kak Long,

I miss you, I really really do.. I cannot wait for you to come here with my cute nephew and niece..

Thank you so much for being my guardian angel.. You do not know how much I need you in my life..

I still wanna be your little sister..pretty pleaseeeeeee... Owh ya I know I love to argue with you back then.. Its because I didn't understand much about what you have gone through all these while.. Thank you for everything and 'Adik sayang Kak Long.. Banyakkkk sangatttt!!!'

Play Geisha to my Husband

Everyday, my husband takes off his white uniforms n leaves them hanging on the wall hook. I pick them up without complaining and throw them in the washing, along with the dirty clothes that he has discarded on the bedroom floor. Sometimes, after dinner, I bring him a glass of drinks while he vegetates in front of the TV.

To me, they are simple acts of love. I know he's really tired and grumpy at the end of a long work day, and my pottering about helps both of us to unwind. He doesn't reciprocate immediately, but I know that he'll always top up my cash for me and give me a massage when I have a body ache.

But some of my more independent-minded galpals raise their eyebrows when they hear what I do for him. Most just tease me bout how much of a slave I am to him, but some of them are actually indignant that I'm lowering myself to such a level. "Can't he do it for himself?" one gasps. "It's so demeaning - you're spoiling him!" Another tells me, "You gives a wives a bad name."

They think I'm letting the side down if I cook breakfast for him everyday, or occasionally pack his clothes for vacations or out-station works. I should have more self-respect, they say, and if I'm working in the future, I may contribute 50-50 towards the household bills, I shouldn't stoop to doing such meanial tasks.

I can understand where they're coming from. For decades, women have had to fight for everything. We fought to get a vote, we fought to go to work, we fought to get that corner office and we fought for women rights etc...

And our traditional enemy has always been the opposite sex. They're the ones who told us to stay at home, look after the kids and not to bother our pretty heads over complicated things like hedge funds and contra deals.

Woman had to steel themselves to tell their husbands things like, " I'm going to work - you look after the kids'" and "If you're hungry, go microwave something." So now that we've finally achieved what generations of women before us had been fighting for all these years, isn't it a slap in the face to them if a soon to be working woman like me regresses into the traditional wife role now?

Well, yes and no. The difference i that I now have a choice - the women of my great-grandmother's generation didn't. They did whatever their husbands commanded them to do. I, however, pamper my husband of my own free will. He doesn't order me to pick up after him or cook him breakfast. I do it to make his life more comfortable and I'm not above sulking when I feel taken for granted (sometimes i do, but not over the top sulking) hihihi...

In fact, I see spoiling my man as empowering. As the traditional wife, I'm reclaiming some of the softness we lost when we snarled and clawed our way to the top. Like the women in 'Memoirs of the Geisha' have shown, you can catch more bees with honey than with vinegar. Besides, after along day of being a tough as nails working women (soon to be), slipping into old-fashioned wifey mode can feel like putting on a comfortable robe.

I'm not saying it works for everyone. Some women can actually find it stressful having to pander to their husband's needs (I do feel that way kadang2) and more comfortable being the one on the daybed while their guys bring them that glass of water. Their husbands feels that treating their women as princesses is as an act of love, and they would be insulted if their wives refused to accept it graciously.

Besides, housework is only one aspect of a marriage. The woman who's happy to let her husband serve her may also be the one who takes care of all the bills and paperwork and wakes up at 2am to feed the baby. If that's what keeps their marriage solid, who's to say otherwise?

Different couple have different ways of saying "I LOVE YOU" to each other. So please stop making fun of me if I want to play my husband's geisha. After all, I don't say anything about that whip you keep in the kitchen, do I?

2009-Adapting to change in lifestyle

2009 was a big year for me. I chose to don the tudung. A day before I wear tudung, I borrowed my MIL head scarf. The next day, I wear one to breakfast with my husband. The first word to pop out from my husband's mouth was 'ALHAMDULILLAH'. And my MIL said I looked nice. My first day with the head scarf atractted attention, but because of the positive responses from families and friends, I have never regreted my decision!

It was apparently not an impulsive one. I had been thinking about it for a few years. I told myself that the time would come when it would feel perfest to start using it. My lifestyle has changed very little since this transition. I still visit my hair saloon, and wear jeans and t-shirts. I wear the tudung and I treat it as a symbol of my identity.

I found it easy adapting to this life-changing transition. It's because I was ready. I am calmer now...

Part2 : Flow with the tide of time

Hubby's story: Adapting to being a parent...

I asked my Hubby to recalls his first time being a parent. This is his story...

He was quite nervous as we were in Tawau and far from my home in KL. He was worried on who is going to take care of me during confinement as his mother in Tawau was busy taking care of his sister who gave birth a month before me. But it helped that my mother came all the way from KL to take care of me during my confinement period. We read up a lot on parenting and could rely on the help of relatives.

Our son was born on the same date as his daddy 4th May 2007, and that was a day before our 2nd anniversary. He admits, there were definately severals adjustments we had to make.

1. For one thing, we had to move to a bigger place.
2. Our shopping trips included several stops at baby stores.
3. The house had to be child-proofed and clean all the time.
4. ETC....ETC....ETC....ETC.... and the list goes on...

Leaving the house used to be an easy and quick affair but with the Rayhan's arrival, an extra half hour was needed, he says, to exit the house - making sure all the things the baby required took time and effort. Everything was centered around the baby. The odd hours we had to get up to feed Rayhan.

When going out, he would assess whether the places were child-friendly. During holidays, a hotel's child policy would be examined. The itinerary must include - if not dominated by - visits to kiddy places. He was upset when characters on TV started swearing. We ended up watching more Barney&Friends and singing nursery rhymes than we were growing up.

He slowly adapted to the new routines and accepted the new responsiblities. Hubby and I took all this in our stride and turned them into many unforgettable, priceless moments. Managing and handling many household chores were, and still are, divided equally which helped.

Looking back, the life changing transition was a positive experience once he accepted the responsibility and turned it into something joyful and fun, he concludes. He celebrated the possibilities of a new life rather than dwell on the things he couldn't do anymore...

coming soon... Part3: Flow with the tide of time...

Part1 : Flow with the tide of time...

Life is like an onion. Each peel of the lovely translucent skin reveals more tender piece inside. The inner layers hold much sweetness, no matter how eye-stinging. But while the onion gets smaller as you peel, life seems to expand as you peel off the layers. Every life changing event force Mama, Hubby and I to peel one layer of our life so the transition to another level or layer of our existence can take place.

How do we cope though? What are our stories? Here we relate our experiences of gaining new perspective, and seeing inner growth.

Mama's story : Adapting to being single again...

Mama is a mother of 3 daughters. She has been single again for slightly more than a decade (now she is married again). She got married in her early twenties and it lasted for a good numbers of years. We were living somewhere in Gombak at the time. She divorced in 1997. They've grown apart and no longer shared the same goals, needs or interests.

Back then, it was a very conservative society and being a divorcee seemed to carry a stigma. She had to adjust to her single status again,hold her head high and ignore the gossip that was circulating. There were few lifestyle adjustments, she had to be more careful with her finances because she had daughters to look after. She realised that she was alone; suddenly being both mum and dad and the nagging fear that her daughters would be traumatised by the divorce troubled her for some time.

The transition was initially difficult. Her goal of owning a place of her own took a backseat. On the social front, she avoided "couple" gatherings. People seemed to feel awkward. She says ruefully: "Maybe they didn't know what to say or maybe they didn't approve of divorcees"

She feels calm now, even if there are times when this fear of the unknown takes over. She was thankful for her father and close friends who supported her decision to end her marriage...

Allahyarham Yasmin Ahmad

I can't help but cry each time I come across an article,movies or documentary regarding Yasmin Ahmad. It's hard to accept the fact that my favourite Malaysian film director has indeed passed away. Ever since RABUN, she has never failed to inspire me. Behind every work of hers lies such heart and soul that it pains me now that we won't be seeing any updates from her anymore.

If only every Malaysian can see the world like she did, only then we can achieve 1MALAYSIA. I dare to say here that there will be no one of her calibre,who can view the world the way she did. She was an inspiration to everyone,except to the critics who fail to understand what unity is, what true values are - values that she's incorporated into her movies, that reflect what's genuine and sincere.

I, and many others, wish that MUALLAF will be screened. that is how we can show our respect, remembrance. And I know, every time I think of her, it's a smile she'll wish I lift, and not a tear for me to shed. For she tried hard to bring joy to others, regardless of whom. And the best way for us to remember her is by a smile.

For one that smiles all the time, I guess that is adequate. She will always live in our hearts, looking after us. It's time we practise what she preached. AL - FATIHAH...

Just be YOU!!!

"You have to be true to yourself". Be yourself & be confident in your own skin. That's what my mom used to tell me as a child. I'm not the kind of person who lives by other people's judgements or opinions. There are so many young women in the world who are so fragile, emotionally, that they can't do that. They can't believe in themselves...

I won't be anything other people necessarily expect me to be. I'll just be myself! That attitude, "Just being YOURSELF", that's what I have been taught my whole life. My mother often said to me, "Go for it! Go for it! What do you care if it doesn't work out? You're never going to learn anything until u try it...".

Wouldn't it be so nice if we could really be exactly who we are & not have to think for 2 seconds about what we're wearing or what we're saying or what we're doing, to be free & be ourselves? But life isn't like that these days. I think we live in a very judgemental society.

Before you can find happiness you have to have some sense of who you are - that Can be difficult. But if you don't have it, you will latch onto the wrong things in order to make yourself happy. Being married to Wan has made me happier than I've ever been before in my whole life, but it can take a while to find what you want.

It's all about working on your confidence & having complete trust in your own strengths. "YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE, YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT!"

Lesson from Life...

Few years ago, a bomb blew my world apart. I discovered that my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) was having an affair. He ended it up but the pain didn't stop. I scrambled to put together the broken pieces of my life but they kept falling apart. We had decided to stay together & work things out, but it wasn't working. I was stressed juggling works & our problems. I couldn't trust him & hated him for what he had done.

One day, I realised that before I could take care of others, I had to take care of myself. I need to see the role I had played in unravelling our relationship. I'm forcing to acknowledge that he wasn't one to blame. I believe that I was a loving, kind & giving person, but maybe that wasn't how I behave toward him. Mmmm... maybe...

I was insecure & we argued a lot. Partners are suppose to nurture, not compete with each other. I had emasculated my man & chosen not to be supportive when I should have. It took a while for me to forgive myself this...

A year later, we eventually break-off. There is no bitterness on my part. I understand that everything that happens is an opportunity for me to learn & grow. In the process of repairing my life, I had found my true place of peace, calm & forgiveness. What happened to me was painful but it helped me change into a better person. That would not have happened if I hadn't realised that the person who needed the most care was ME...

Follow your dreams...

When my career in the airline industry (I was working as a flight attendant for Malaysia Airlines) began to blossom, I strived for all-out excellence so I could make my way up the industry ladder. I was focused & dedicated, but that all changed when Allah (God) blessed me with my first child,so I quit my job.My life changed dramatically. I moved to Tawau,Sabah with my beloved husband. Instead of dealing with passengers, I am dealing with my beautiful son.

My challenges are different. It felt as though I had left one world behind. As my friends are all working,I felt it even more... I wanted my child & my career but I knew I couldn't do it right then (my son is still breastfeeding & refuse to drink formula milk).

I love bugging up my boy. As fulfilling as it was, my sabbatical was not easy on me as I saw my friends climbing up the ladder. I truly felt that I had lost a lot.....

My mother said, "Kak long, sabar ok... (be patient) When u doesn't get something, u do not dwell on it for too long. Believe in Allah & karma, so as long as you're positive, keep going & keep your spirits up. There will always be something better." ..... I love u MAMA!!!.....