Punggung besar (BIG bottom -The Wrong Trousers)

Dear,friend* (name will not be publish). I’ve got something to tell you. And you might not like it. I don’t have to tell all of you, definitely. And probably most of you if the trends of the past few months are anything to go by.

I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell you but you look bad. Really bad. So bad that people (not me, I’M A GOOD GIRL, but lots of other people) are whispering about you behind your back. They can’t believe you let yourself go out like that. They’re not being mean, but they can’t tell you that you look awful so they asked me to write about it, hoping that you get the hint.

The thing is… well (this is hard)… it’s, err… kind of, your trousers. Those ones you always wear when you go out. The ones you just love. There’s a problem with those trousers. You say that they are really nice and comfortable. Well, for us they have the exact reverse effect. For us, when you wear them, we feel really uncomfortable. Sorry ye tapi punggung (bottom) U nampak besar. I feel malu to say this, but our friends think that I la orang terbaik untuk tegur U.

The problem with these slacks – even if you don’t have a pair yourself, you’ll know someone who does or at the very least have seen hundreds of people round here who have a pair like this – is (drumroll) that they are WHITE. White trousers are put simply, the biggest fashion catastrophe of our times. Yes, even more than 80s big hair, polyester, sandals with socks and visible panty line. And yet, it seems KL is being over-run with ladies wearing white on their legs.

My first problem with white trousers is the fact that at no point will your bottom (punggung) ever look acceptable. If you have a small bottom (lucky b*tch!) it will disappear. And where’s the fun in that? Alternatively, if you even have a medium sized bum then you wander around looking like a full scale model of the back of a Honda CRV or a HUMMER, in other words it looks huge. And let’s not even go into what they do for a more rounded derriere.

This is the rule I personally like to follow. Wide, skinny, Capri of shorts, this are the white pant sorts. Just remember they never flatter, they just make your bum look fatter! However, that’s your issue. I’m not so shallow as to worry if my friend’s bum looks a little, err, peachy (?) like mine… hehehe… We’re not even that embarrassed when we’re walking around and you have dust and dirt smeared all over your thighs from sitting and resting throughout the day.

When you’re in jeans, you don’t need to notice that the bench hasn’t been wiped properly but when you’ve got your white trousers on, a little bit of oil here and a bit of newspaper print there do spoil the effect of those crisp, clean pants. Even you must admit that. And yet, people still wear them to dark and dirty nightclubs where the UV lights make everything in the room fade into obscurity except your trousers. And their dirty marks.

The thing that makes us really uncomfortable about you wearing these trousers though is what goes under them. The very whiteness of white trousers make them a transparency hotspot. People seeing you don’t see you anymore. To be honest, they don’t see anything except your underpants. Now, for most of us, the choice between Granma pants, G-string, maxi, lycra hot pants or plain knickers is a private and intimate decision left between us and whoever does our laundry. For you, however, it is a decision that the world gets to pass opinion on.

“Ooh, she’s gone with the ‘G’ has she? I always think that’s like wearing an eye-patch held together with cheese-wire”. “Black knickers? She must be boiling under there!” “Well, she obviously thinks no one can notice her if she wears flesh coloured knickers, but they’re giving her the most awful camel toe!” and so on.

Yes, I know we’re mean but come on, love, do yourself a favour. There a some great trousers out there in a world full of colours. If Allah (God) have intended the world to see your bottom boing-ing around in your trousers, than he wouldn’t have invented chocolate or cellulite.