Lesson from Life...

Few years ago, a bomb blew my world apart. I discovered that my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) was having an affair. He ended it up but the pain didn't stop. I scrambled to put together the broken pieces of my life but they kept falling apart. We had decided to stay together & work things out, but it wasn't working. I was stressed juggling works & our problems. I couldn't trust him & hated him for what he had done.

One day, I realised that before I could take care of others, I had to take care of myself. I need to see the role I had played in unravelling our relationship. I'm forcing to acknowledge that he wasn't one to blame. I believe that I was a loving, kind & giving person, but maybe that wasn't how I behave toward him. Mmmm... maybe...

I was insecure & we argued a lot. Partners are suppose to nurture, not compete with each other. I had emasculated my man & chosen not to be supportive when I should have. It took a while for me to forgive myself this...

A year later, we eventually break-off. There is no bitterness on my part. I understand that everything that happens is an opportunity for me to learn & grow. In the process of repairing my life, I had found my true place of peace, calm & forgiveness. What happened to me was painful but it helped me change into a better person. That would not have happened if I hadn't realised that the person who needed the most care was ME...

Why don't woman talk about this?

A change in priorities has let to a 180 degree change in my previously lifestyle. I;m going to speak to you about the joys, trials & tribulations of being a mother. I have a son name Muhammad Rayhan who now rules my life.

(a 2D ultrasound image of rayhan, 10 weeks)

(a 3D ultrasound image of rayhan, 32 weeks)

(picture taken 3 hours before i give birth to rayhan)

It was the year 2006 when i discovered that I was pregnant. I was busy working that i didn't realise I was pregnant. I was to busy to noticed that I had missed my period. My family was great,dekzu (my sister) was excited. My mother was amazing, she came from KL to Tawau to help me with my confinement period.

My little boy has never liked sleep very much but I'm enjoying it while I can, which is why everything else takes a backseat. Rayhan is very, very bright but he was going crazy running around in circle in our house. Before we moved to our own house, we lived with my mother-in-law, it eases my burden but it also provides him with stimulation from other people. Plus, because there are other people around in the morning, I can actually go& have a poo or a shower.
Sometimes,when he doesn't want to stay alone, at the same time I sakit perot nak berak (stomach ache), I'd drag him kicking & screaming into the toilet! The horrors no woman talks about. Why don't woman talk about this? They always say, "Oh, no,no... It's fine,there's no problem..." Have you ever tried to (poop) with a screaming baby & the phone won't stop ringing, some one's at the door... U just want to cry & scream GO AWAY!!!

Every mother recognises this scenario but why is it that no one ever talks about that trying moments of motherhood? It is because they're afraid of being labelled a bad mother? Isn't it natural to be overwhelmed once in a while? Isn't it perfectly acceptable to crave an uninterrupted nights sleep or the ability to shut the bathroom door for more than 30 seconds? Why do woman insist of putting up a front & pretending that motherhood is a breeze?

I feel that I've won the lottery when my kid wakes up only twice a night! I have not had uninterrupted sleeps for 2 years. He wakes up only 3 times a night now. I'm trying to figure out where I want to go & what I want to do. Being a mom, I can't do what I used to do. But I do have great network of family & friends... Luv u all..

Till Death Do Us Part...

I fell in love with my husband, Mr.Julizwan Subi, on the day we first met (year 2004). He proposed on the year 2005 & 6 months later we were legally married. No, I was not hasty, although all my friends thought so...

We were very different to each other & at first he did not fulfil my ideas of a dream man then. But there was something about his quiet charm that i fell for immediately. He made me so comfortable & secure. I find his self-assurance very comforting & there has never been a day in our 3 years of marriage that we have not talked to each other. Every nights, without fail, we hug or tease each other before going to bed,even on nights when we argue. Never go to bed when u feel sad or unhappy... My husband brings out the best in me. He makes me want to be a better person. Yet, when I first met him, I was not confident of my capabilities. He made me see that we don't need to compete to have what we want in life. I still learns a lot from him & is glad to be able to be completely myself when I am with him. And these things, as well as ours differences, keep the marriage together. I feel my husband & I compliment each other but posses the same values in life,espeacially in raising our son, in respecting people & in wanting to be financially independant. Well... You have to be very realistic with the expectations of the marriage first, & not to be too idealistic...

My hubby just celebrated his 27th birthday & my son was born on the same date as his father (4th May). And on 5th May, we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary... I love u, sayang.. This is a wonderfully sinful picture of a birthday cake for you that i found from the internet, if u want to take a look at the cake, scrool down...

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stop here if you are someone who gets embarrased easily

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don't say i didn't warn you!!!!
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************** CHEERS!!!!! HAHAHA!!!!!

Follow your dreams...

When my career in the airline industry (I was working as a flight attendant for Malaysia Airlines) began to blossom, I strived for all-out excellence so I could make my way up the industry ladder. I was focused & dedicated, but that all changed when Allah (God) blessed me with my first child,so I quit my job.My life changed dramatically. I moved to Tawau,Sabah with my beloved husband. Instead of dealing with passengers, I am dealing with my beautiful son.

My challenges are different. It felt as though I had left one world behind. As my friends are all working,I felt it even more... I wanted my child & my career but I knew I couldn't do it right then (my son is still breastfeeding & refuse to drink formula milk).

I love bugging up my boy. As fulfilling as it was, my sabbatical was not easy on me as I saw my friends climbing up the ladder. I truly felt that I had lost a lot.....

My mother said, "Kak long, sabar ok... (be patient) When u doesn't get something, u do not dwell on it for too long. Believe in Allah & karma, so as long as you're positive, keep going & keep your spirits up. There will always be something better." ..... I love u MAMA!!!.....

I'm Blogging!!!!!

Been hearing about blogging & reading other people's blogs, I want my own blog!!! WHY? There have been times when I've felt I've something to say but nowhere & no one to say it too... I guess this will be where I can say what I want to say,hear,feel & experience...